The desire for it awakes me each day. And each night it puts me to sleep.
It's the very thing that fosters my dreams and yet breaks my sleep.
I want it so bad I can feel it.
Except there's no sense of fulfillment, satisfaction, purpose.
Warmth. Connection.
Because it's now only a figment of my imagination.
A source of emptiness.
A silent killer.
A vicious one, reminding me of this void I have.
This dis-connect.
This dis-content.
That no one's in-to-me enough to pursue intimacy with me.
I miss you more, than you'd ever believe.
When you come home,
I hope you'll never leave.
When you're around, gray skies seem blue.
Cold air warms me, when I'm with you.
The air smells sweet, my heart skips a beat.
I've fallen in deep, I dream of you when I sleep.
There's something about the way I feel.
When I think of you,
It's my heart you steal.
I hope you're safe, wherever you are. But I tell myself, you're with me even if you're so far.
I wanna be numb.
I don't wanna feel.
Tired of being sincere,
Loving hard and it being taken for granted.
But that's today.
Only today, for tomorrow I'm sure to love again without a need for reciprocation.
I don't pity you.
I don't feel sorry for you.
But I feel for you,
Hope for you,
Pray for you
Because it must be hell for you to touch and yet not feel.
The one who holds your attention is often the one whom can't be held onto.
I seemingly have this force field that keeps men from getting too close or seeing me ...clearly.
No, no. Not because I activate this barrier but because apparently I'm resistible.
Has a man ever called me "resistible"? No, but they usually start the race of "Pursuit" and then before finishing the first leg, they run off the track without any explanation as to why.
That's the "Story of My Life," as it's said. But in all sincerity, I do believe this is just a part of my journey. One of which I may never get used to but one of which I'll understand is...part of my journey. Just like your route to work. You may know that a particular intersection or part of an interstate is bound to have traffic, or has that terrible pothole. You don't get used to it - it still annoys you - but it's just something to expect on your way.
One thing about a journey is the undeniable truth that there is a destination. And I believe that my destination are my dreams, my heart's desires. God knows what they are, and... He never has us go through anything without a reward for our perseverance and patience in faith. Now, will the reward ever be the honor of being a "Mrs."? Only God knows, but I have faith that vision will manifest and be a small part in the "Story of My Life".
This year I am requiring more of myself. Lord knows my effort to have the mind of Christ sometimes falls short, especially being in an environment that does not please me. One of which I believed would liberate me, but has instead made me feel trapped. Don't pity me. All of this is part of God's plan for me. ...This is my year! My prayers and heart's desires will manifest. I look around and my carnal mind thinks, "How?!" but I trust the God that has told me that "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). ...That promise has sustained me and I must not doubt its validity in MY life. No more will I ask God, "Why not me? When is it my turn?" It wasn't me then because it's my turn NOW. ...I don't know the details. I just have the vision. ...This is my year. If I am not diligent in keeping my focus and increasing my faith, I may very well abort the mission - God's mission for my life, His glory! This year is imperative for years to come. I know it!
...So, in continuation of requirements, I am requiring more of those who are in my life (or wish to be). If you are not benefiting me, you are hindering me. I will only entertain relationships that edify & fortify me, and glorify God. Period. Once upon a time, I would compromise in the name of love, but if it's not good, it's evil. That's where I stand today. ...Trust me, I'm not the "fire and brimstone" kind of believer. (I pray I haven't come off that way.) I'm just expressing the URGENCY, the IMPORTANCE, and the MAGNITUDE of this year. ...I will lose some, but I will gain much more. It's necessary. I will one day build a legacy. (Heavy, right?! I know. Blows my mind, too. Even sounds preposterous. But that I said I know will manifest without a doubt, if I don't lose focus and faith. [I DIGRESS: Now, men, you may understand why I require more of you. I need someone with a "legacy" mindset. Someone who, too, want to build a firm foundation in God and of things of this world for their great-grandchildren's great-grandchildren. I can't set them up for failure due to my own selfishness (i.e. he's cute, he drives a nice car, he's funny, got a great job, has a clean house, knows "conversate" is not a word... but can he pray for me? Empower me? Consider me? Can I trust that he won't lead me (and the vision) astray?! [Yes, I said, "lead".]) Marriage isn't simply about me. It's about them (my offspring-to-be), too. ...I used to feel cursed because I've been getting the "You look mad" or "You're intimidating" comments from males (most times by a third party) since high school, but now I am more than sure that it is a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I would rather come across warm and approachable. However, with the "Utopian" heart I have I can imagine, if I came off warm and approachable, I would probably have more heartache. So my demeanor is like a filter. ...I trust that "the one" (who is to co-produce this legacy with God and me) will have discernment to see me clearly (know that I'm not mad, cold, angry, mean and/or whatever else the common man may think of me) and approach me with a purpose - edify, fortify, glorify. So... I'll wait.)] I can't afford to be counterfeit. How does that bring glory to God? It doesn't. So I can't let no thing or one (even myself) get in the way of pleasing God (or in the way of His plans for me; blessings).
This is the year of NO COMPROMISE. ...Will I fall short? Yes! That's believer 101. But God will know my name and know that I run with definite aim - FORWARD.
REGARD, in the definitional sense of "to have or show respect or concern for", "to think highly of; esteem", and "to take into account; consider" is ALL I want from those who interrupt my life to ask me for entry into my life. That is ALL I ask for.
If you do not understand, here are some synonyms: care, concern, consideration (I LOVE that one), interest, value, respect.
I am a human being, with warm blood flowing through my veins, breath in my body, ...feelings. Please CONSIDER that.
Please consider that your actions (or lack thereof) may affect me.
Please CONSIDER that I may very well value you.
Please, if you must make an exit from my life, consider me enough to make sure you didn't hurt me on your way out. (Originally written 23JAN13)
"You may have never realized that every time you check your calendar or refer to a date or write one down, you are using Jesus Christ as your reference point.
Because of Jesus, history is divided in BC (before Christ) and AD (anno Domini, in the year of the Lord). Every other event in history and every event on your calendar today is dated by how many days and years it has been since Jesus Christ appeared on earth.
Even your birthday is dated by his birthday."
excerpt from Rick Warren's The Purpose of Christmas
That realization sometimes makes me feel damned to Hell.
Like I have no hope, no chance at being whom God wants me to be.
Sometimes my mind gets the best of me & I'm convinced that maybe I'm not chosen.
That I'm no child of God because there's this hole in my heart that God has yet to be able to fill.
I have desires that God's love just doesn't seem to satisfy.
And sometimes my way seems best, feels best.
I enjoy it.
At times, unapologetically.
On this day I just want to thank God for
His mercy, His grace, His love, His forgiveness.
All of which I abuse.
Take for granted even.
I am a mess. And yet I know He loves me.
I can't imagine loving like that.
I would love to, but I'm not sure any (wo)man could.
God, I'm grateful for the birth and physical death of Jesus.
For the Spirit that pricks my heart, and therefore reassures me that I'm not all bad.
God, as the new year approaches, it is my prayer that I find more pleasure in You,
that I am more pleasing to You
for no other reason than to truly show & prove to You that
I love You.
On This Day In 2010: "Sa'Toya Truss is taking a risk of faith ...and such an act may appear crazy to others. | "A risk of faith takes you toward your Dream, even if it doesn't feel comfortable to you." (Bruce Wilkinson)"
Things are coming FULL circle. *SMILE*
Found the following two videos from a blog, It's The Rat Pack. It ministered to me. Hopefully it can minister to you.
Note: Don't get so caught up in the product that is being advertised that you miss the message.
Risks of faith takes heart. A heart that is filled with faith and fear. Fear of being anything less than one is purposed to be. Fear of allowing one's fear overcede one's faith. For "YOU are stronger than doubt" (@Carolyn_Malachi).
...Can no longer be consumed with doubt. Can no longer be concerned with rejection or misunderstanding. Cannot allow my mistakes and flaws to hinder me ('cause I'm gonna make 'em & I definitely have 'em). I know I say it a lot, but I must 'allow my condition to change my position'; use my mess as fertilizer and not poison. Trust the God I say I trust. Love regardless of its (seemingly) lack of return. And KNOW that as long as I have breath in my body I have purpose & GREAT potential. Flowers don't bloom overnight, but if you wish to witness transformation, keep watch ...& expect me to bloom! I am all that I am to be & all that I could never imagine myself to be. Thank you God in advance! #SomethingLikeAPhenomenon ...Yeah, I'm feelin' myself.
so I can get back to what I believe in? Back to the old me?
And
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid
for me.
Love has burned me raw; I need your healing,
Please.
please,
please.
I am such a fool!
How did I get here?
Played by all the rules
Then they changed.
I am but a child to your vision. Standing in the cold
and the rain.
Lost here in the dark,
I can't see
my foot to take a step.
What is happening? Oh, this hurts so bad.
I can hardly breathe. I just want to leave
so...
This song is like a literal excerpt from my mind, my diary. I've felt this way, I've said these things. ...For more than 2 years now I have been trying to "get back to the old me". But as much as this song has touched me, in my reflection of just how close to home this song is I’ve realized just how far I’ve come. This summer & the lessons learned up until this very moment have brought me to a place in my journey of which I feel like I've seen the darkest of the darkness in which I've been lost. In fact, I know I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Life is truly coming full circle for me. I'm gaining clarity in various areas of my life. And I'm so excited! I'm so humbled. When I declared & proclaimed that " 2009: Caterpillar (lowest point of my LIFE). 2010: Cocooned (rejuvenation). 2011: Butterfly (enough said). #2011istheYearofMYBreakthrough" I truly had no idea!
If it required me to play by the rules and for them to change, to be foolish, to ask questions regarding my worth in order for me to call out to God and for Him to hear me and gain answers that would move me to change for the better & gain a better appreciation for who I am already, as hard as it is to say (because I'd hate to do it) I'd do it again. ...Indeed every relationship is a lesson. Indeed, every mistake, every flaw is an opportunity to be made aware of our lack/greatness in the moment and our potential. Indeed, God is so good, for even our detours are beneficial to our God-ordered journey. I was told recently that "The finish line is just the starting line for a bigger race." And indeed a bigger race is coming, and I wouldn't have been able to run this upcoming race with my head held high, shoulders pulled back, and assurance of who I am and how faithful God is if it hadn't been for the marathon of a race I am finishing. Looking forward to the cross countries and sprints, now! I have found a confidence like never before.
Hope floats. Faith soars. Both have gotten me to the finish line.
I had a twitter discussion recently with a new friend that has moved me to write a post (tentatively) called "Have You Ever Been Deceived?" ...Unfortunately, with all that is going on in my life and lack of time to do the scriptural research, for I don't want the post to be an opinion piece as much as I want it to be a Biblically sound post with Biblical references to support my arguments, the post is not likely to be birthed anytime soon. In the meantime, I'd like to say this, which is my opinion:
As Christians, we can't simply conclude that people simply don't wanna "STOP" their sinning. We should know better than anyone about STRONGHOLDS.
Strongholds of the MIND are fierce & AREN'T easy to shake off. But with our LOVE (& not condemnation) we can help others "shake the devil off”.
On this Saturday of which Irene is to make her presence known, I have enjoyed a day of sleeping in late, writing & watching movies. One of which, "What Love Is". My sister found it on Starz, and, although we were kinda skeptical of how good a comedy with Cuba Gooding, Jr. could be, we stayed on the channel. She laughed out loud, I half-way watched as I wrote my thoughts via Microsoft Word. After all the sexual references & profanity, the movie finally came to a point of which it was all worth it. The quote can be found below:
"...Love is a one way street, going from you out. And you give it because it makes you feel good to give it. Because when you give it, it makes you strong. And that crazy, vulnerable, out of control scary feeling, feeling that most people think is love? It's not really love at all; it's just the need to be loved. And believe me, its a really different thing. Real love isn't "I love you" hoping the other person is going to say it too. It's just, I love you. Its like giving someone a gift at Christmas, and if you get anything back, that's a bonus, that's extra. But you shouldn't NEED to receive it, cause the true strength is in the giving of it. But then again, that's just what I think. And what do I know? I don't know anything."
Yeah, I may not knowing anything either, but I totally agree.
A few of my male friends, who'd you'd least expect to ('cause they play(ed) pro- or semi-professional sports, or they have a great following (male & female) on twitter--you know, they're the guys that guys like & wanna be friends with and girls like & wanna be lovers with--and such guys think/believe/feel on as deep as superficialities will allow, right?), have voiced that they aren't interested in women who "go hard in the paint" to get their attention & affection. Huh? Are these men who, by many's standards, are the "best" eligible bachelors really preferring the (personas of) plain Janes over the Nicki Minajs?!
Apparently.
See, some women lack the understanding that there's power in being subtle, low-key or, better stated, authentic--not a carbon copy of what's seen on EXTRA. Pop culture teaches girls to be plastic. To be caricatures of their true selves, &, even worst, mass-produced carbon copies of someone else. Where they do that at? Apparently in I-Don't-Know-Myself-Enough-To-Love-The-Real-Me Ville. Plastic's the new real. It's the day & times in which one's effort in one's outward being takes precedence over one's inner being. It's the day of 'My *ss is my best asset (& not my heart/spirit).' It's the days in which a woman's beauty is based upon how much of a "10" she is & not in how she carries herself--the way she talks & walks. (Which is why so many girls put so much effort (or "go hard in the paint") into their outer selves in hopes of snatching a man's attention. Being EXTRA, over the top, to be seen.
Girl, you've caught it, but can you keep it? What are you to do when another catches his attention?
Such behavior begets a cycle of having to go hard in the paint to keep your man's attention even AFTER you got his attention because that of which you caught his attention is fleeting (outward beauty & often times lack of character & depth, which he will bore of). I can understand why you're insecure (even with your "man"). However, that seems to be the reality--the cute girl, not the nice girl or even the smart girl are getting the "ballers". Listen, Evelyn of Vh1's "Basketball Wives" is an exception NOT the rule. ...Plus consider her 'man'. (Well, maybe that's not fair. Let's just say I would pay him no mind. & yes, he would probably pay me no mind. Thank God.) Sure you can settle for what is futile ("love" based in superficiality) or you can settle for what's meaningful (love in the true essence of the meaning)). Kudos to the men for doing the Heisman on those type of girls. Such girls will benefit you in the least bit. Any lady you decide to make yours should INCREASE you, not decrease you.
Ecclesiastes states, "Vanities of vanities, all is vanity ...[for] the conclusion of the whole matter [is] fear God & keep His commandments..." & surely finding value (& truth) in things of such folly (& limited view of one's self) is not of any substance. Ladies, if you emit light, you don't have to make yourself known. Your presence is made even in darkness. We are all unique & our light's our own. It's not better than anyone's (or less better than anyone's), it's simply our light. Allow people to bask in it. And you find confidence in it. The best beauty accessory is confidence in knowing your beauty's longevity lies deep within you (& not on the mere surface). ...It doesn't make you invisible or boring, just effortlessly attractive--a magnet, not a player in a (often times, one-sided) tug-a-war. Stop tuggin' & pullin' for men's attention. Just be "steel" & attract.
#BeingEXTRADoesNOTMakeYOUExtraORDINARY
[A recommended book for the single ladies, "The Young Lady in Waiting" by Jackie Kendall & Debbie Jones.]
