Force Fields & Potholes

The one who holds your attention is often the one whom can't be held onto.

I seemingly have this force field that keeps men from getting too close or seeing me ...clearly.
No, no. Not because I activate this barrier but because apparently I'm resistible.

Has a man ever called me "resistible"? No, but they usually start the race of "Pursuit" and then before finishing the first leg, they run off the track without any explanation as to why.

That's the "Story of My Life," as it's said. But in all sincerity, I do believe this is just a part of my journey. One of which I may never get used to but one of which I'll understand is...part of my journey. Just like your route to work. You may know that a particular intersection or part of an interstate is bound to have traffic, or has that terrible pothole. You don't get used to it - it still annoys you - but it's just something to expect on your way.

One thing about a journey is the undeniable truth that there is a destination. And I believe that my destination are my dreams, my heart's desires. God knows what they are, and... He never has us go through anything without a reward for our perseverance and patience in faith. Now, will the reward ever be the honor of being a "Mrs."? Only God knows, but I have faith that vision will manifest and be a small part in the "Story of My Life".

Please, Don't Disregard: A Letter to YOU (Past & Future)

REGARD, in the definitional sense of "to have or show respect or concern for", "to think highly of; esteem", and "to take into account; consider" is ALL I want from those who interrupt my life to ask me for entry into my life. That is ALL I ask for.

If you do not understand, here are some synonyms: care, concern, consideration (I LOVE that one), interest, value, respect.

I am a human being, with warm blood flowing through my veins, breath in my body, ...feelings. Please CONSIDER that.

Please consider that your actions (or lack thereof) may affect me.

Please CONSIDER that I may very well value you.

Please, if you must make an exit from my life, consider me enough to make sure you didn't hurt me on your way out.

(Originally written 23JAN13)

Straight. No Chaser, Please.

Don't mistake 

a d!ck

rising for 

you

for

a heart

falling for

you.

What Love Is

On this Saturday of which Irene is to make her presence known, I have enjoyed a day of sleeping in late, writing & watching movies. One of which, "What Love Is". My sister found it on Starz, and, although we were kinda skeptical of how good a comedy with Cuba Gooding, Jr. could be, we stayed on the channel. She laughed out loud, I half-way watched as I wrote my thoughts via Microsoft Word. After all the sexual references & profanity, the movie finally came to a point of which it was all worth it. The quote can be found below:


"...Love is a one way street, going from you out. And you give it because it makes you feel good to give it. Because when you give it, it makes you strong. And that crazy, vulnerable, out of control scary feeling, feeling that most people think is love? It's not really love at all; it's just the need to be loved. And believe me, its a really different thing. Real love isn't "I love you" hoping the other person is going to say it too. It's just, I love you. Its like giving someone a gift at Christmas, and if you get anything back, that's a bonus, that's extra. But you shouldn't NEED to receive it, cause the true strength is in the giving of it. But then again, that's just what I think. And what do I know? I don't know anything."


Yeah, I may not knowing anything either, but I totally agree.

I Am Not Alone... Just Neglectful

I used to think I felt alone 'cause I wasn't in close proximity to family & friends.

Nope.

Truth is...

I feel alone 'cause I'm not company to God.

He's here.

I just neglect Him.

...

If He was a boyfriend, He would've dumped me by now.

Thank God for His grace, mercy, love,

but I dare not continue to abuse His kindness.

I thank God for teaching me this lesson now.

As this year bring's about a transition in my life

of which I'm sure I could easily feel lonely

I'm glad that I truly know by experience

that He is the only company

that could satisfy any relational void.

Near His Heart To Be Beloved...

That the woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved. (Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible Volume I (Genesis to Deuteronomy))


Being that it's February, there is a lot of discussion (and humorous jokes) of love and Valentines. Well, it is my sincerest hope that all those that have a significant other can see themselves and their partner in the following writing; men, protectors and cherishers of women; women, supporters and cherishers of men, both complementing each other and yet one in a harmonious state of love. God bless all the lovers!

--- --- ---

“When I created the heavens and the earth, 

I spoke them into being. 

When I created man, I formed him from the dust of the Earth 

and breathed life into his nostrils. 

But you, woman, I fashioned. 

I breathed the breath of life into man 

because your nostrils are too delicate. 

I allowed a deep sleep to come over him 

so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. 

Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with 

My creativity. 

From one bone I fashioned you. 

I chose the bone that protects man’s life. 

I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs 

and supports him, as you are meant to do.”

“Around this one bone I shaped you. I modeled you. 

I created you perfectly and beautifully. 

Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. 

You provide protection for the most delicate organs in man, 

his heart [and lungs]. 

His heart is the center of his being; 

his lungs hold the breath of life. 

The rib cage will allow itself to be broken 

before it will allow damage to the heart [and lung]. 

Support man as the rib cage supports the body.”

“You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, 

nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. 

You were taken from his side, 

to stand beside him and be held close to his side. 

You are my perfect angel. You are my beautiful little girl. 

You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, 

and my eyes fill when I see the virtue in your heart. 

Your eyes: don’t change them; they are the windows to your soul. 

Your lips: how lovely when they part in prayer.

Your nose so perfect in form, your hands so gentle to touch. 

Oh yes, I've touched your hands.

I’ve caressed your face in your deepest sleep; 

I’ve held your heart close to Mine. 

Of all that lives and breathes, you are the most like Me.

That is why I made you the mother of life. 

You see, woman, you reside in Me.”

“Adam walked with Me in the cool of the day 

and yet he was lonely. 

He could not see Me or touch Me. 

He could only feel Me. 

So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with Me, 

I fashioned in you: My holiness, My strength, 

My purity, My love, My protection and support. 

You are special because you are the extension of Me.”

“Man represents My image; woman – My emotions.

Together, you represent the totality of God. 

So man, treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. 

In hurting her, you hurt Me. 

What you do to her, you do to Me. 

In crushing her, you only damage your own heart [and lungs], 

the heart of your Father and the heart of her Father. 

Woman, support man. 

In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. 

In gentle quietness show your strength. 

In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.”

 – Author Unknown

Untitled: Unfortunate Truth

"No man is worth my relationship with God."

That's what we say.

Shoot, that's what I say.

And yet sometimes I find myself jeopardizing the relationship that is ALREADY in need of repair.

I consider dating men who don't confess Christ to be their Lord and Savior...

when I know that once I get emotionally involved I will naturally try to justify our relationship.

Try to make something that's not meant...

meant

because it wasn't God sent nor approved.

Sometimes I get mad at myself when I think,

d*mn near plan the next time I can have sex.

Looking forward to it even.

All while reminding myself that his penis is not stronger than the power and blood of Christ.

Seriously.

I find myself asking myself, "Is this man more powerful than God?"

That's what I might as well be declaring anytime I give in to sex

...even when I'm telling myself "No"

the whole time I'm taking off my clothes.

I wish I could say it was simply about the sex

then it wouldn't be so deep.

I know that my yearning for sex is to feel loved

whether real or make believe.

I feel so empty sometimes.

I feel so guilty.

Not because I desire these things--

love that usually develops into a natural desire to become closer than close, and therefore have sex.

Because when you love someone so much, you naturally want to become one.

In all ways.

So... yeah.  I feel guilty.

Not because I desire these things--love and to express that love in all ways, even sexually--

but because I desire to fulfill this desire out of God's order--I want it now as a single--because I'm so empty,

so impatient, so weak in faith that I decide to do it my way--

have sex with a man just to feel loved for a moment,

yes, even love that I know is make believe.

...Just to find myself depleted afterwards and that I was a fool

for doing it my way and not God's perfect way, no matter how unrealistic it may seem,

because even make believe love doesn't satisfy.

Satisfaction that only love-filled companionship meets.

Satisfaction that can't be met when the one who loves me in make believe

is only concerned with satisfying things that are only skin deep.

They don't care about me beyond the moment I'm untangled from their sheets.

God wants more for me

and yet I struggle with the yearnings of my own flesh

and in essence declare that it's hard to pass up a hard penis

and easy to disobey God's Word, God's guidance.

Love Is In the Air

Love is in the air.  And it's not blowing my way.


Sometimes I feel guilty because I have friends and loved ones who love me... and yet I want more.  Is it wrong that I want love... and romance?  Is it a crime that I want someone and I want them to want me too?  *smile*  Of course not.  But, as a single, I sometimes find myself wrestling with satisfaction and dissatisfaction, with patience & acceptance vs. impatience & downright pity for myself.


I promise.  I am happy for those who are cultivating new relationships, getting engaged, and getting married.  I am.  I love to see people united as one.  Two people who chose each other.  I do.  Yet I have to be honest, there are times that I find my happiness for someone else turn to sadness for myself.  My smile of joy for them turn into tears of pain for myself.  It's not jealousy.  I am happy for them.  I mean it.  I'm just sad for me.  Sad for the part of me that desires such a bond.  ...As a single, I have many days when I embrace my singleness; the idea of just being unattached to anyone and hence granted the freedom to consider no one else when I decide to travel and explore and experience this world just brings about such excitement!  But then there are many days when I care not about exploring the world and wish I could have someone with whom I can shut the world out and just be with.  Just us.  Only us.  And I'm not talking just anyone, but someone special.  Someone who's presence alone would suffice, if there were no T.V., no food, no A/C or heat, no comfy sofa to cuddle on.  Just us.  Just him because I can look in his eyes and upon his face for hours, and his words are of substance, and no matter the weather it's ok with him, and he's soft and yet firm enough to bring me comfort.  Someone who finds his comfort in me, too.


But the reality is ...love is in the air and it's not blowing my way.  Admittedly, the realization of that brought me to tears, but after my pity party and (thank God) my tendency to reflect upon myself, I came to the realization that the wind's not blowing my way because it's not my season.  Everything has timing and romantic love is not scheduled to arrive yet.  See, the truth is I'm not ready for love.  Not because I am afraid to love, unwilling or unable to love, but because I am not ready to love.  It's a truth that I really hate to admit, especially publicly because some interesting/ed man may be reading this entry, but I can not lie.  I'm not ready.


I was sharing with a friend, who is convinced that I have men just beating my door down to get to know me-- *tsk* I don't, that I have come to the conclusion that embarking on a serious relationship would probably be a disservice to whomever involved.  Again, not because I'm unlovable or incapable of loving, but because I would like to offer more.  You know, those little things that aren't so little that distinguishes a woman from a girl.  I want to bring those things to the table.  There's much growing up I need to do and molding that need to take place.  In so many ways, I feel like a girl.  I've been legally able to drink for two years and I am two years shy of being a quarter of a century old (How old am I?  *smile*) ...and I still feel like a girl.  I'm in need of a lot of exploring and experiencing--within and outside myself.  And, yes, of course I can do those things with a man, but I'm not sure if I am ready for that.


See, I'm not sure if I am rooted in God enough to do that yet.  I can't say with confidence that, if he is an AWEsome man, that I won't in some way make him into a god--attributing him to all my discoveries and therefore equating him to be an intricate factor of all my God-given blessings.  (I'm just being honest.)  I know in my past that when I was in admiration of a man (I may be using "man" too loosely) that, although I know there is a God and I thank God for this (hu)man's presence, I grew to depend on him dangerously, in that he tended to govern my sense of joy and peace.  I would like to think that I have grown from those childish ways, but I've yet to have the opportunity to find out, and I don't think I want to find out by possibly making some great man my guinea pig by discovering such weaknesses while involved with him.  (I fear (although unintentionally) hurting someone.)  Nah.  I refuse.  I can't do that.  So with that being said, I am just about sure that I'm not ready.


And so the questions are "What do I do in the meantime?" and "How do I obtain true peace with my singleness when I have this natural yearning to have intimacy and create all the things that could result from such a relationship?"  ...Well, I need to take this time to grow and be molded into the woman that the man I would deem a potential Mr. Right would deem a potential Mrs. Right.  "Mrs. Right" because I know full well that dating someone just to have fun and pass the time is not appealing to me.  Dating someone because we can see each other to be "Right" for us is the idea I have in mind.  ...And when I honestly embrace that reality I can't help but laugh at myself for being frustrated that no one has chosen to date me (I don't mean take me on a date, for there is a difference between going on a date and dating someone).  For when I ask myself, "Am I ready to be a wife?", the answer is "No".  [Not unless a man wants a woman, who in many ways feel like a girl because she has yet to come into her own--get a sense of self.  Furthermore, she very well may fail to bring peace and pleasure after the Honeymoon phase because, even in her singleness, she fails to faithfully cultivate an intimate and organic relationship with the only ONE that loves her unconditionally, the ONE that is always faithful to her.  (It's fair to say, if I'm not faithful to Him, I will not be faithful to him.  (Unfaithfulness doesn't have to mean sexual immorality, but unfaithfulness in that duties/responsibilities as a wife (and husband) are not being met holistically.))]  I mean, I cry myself a river, but I have to check myself!  I look forward to treating a man, comforting a man, getting to know a man ...and I've yet to do those things for/with myself--not the way I'd like to.  I've yet to treat myself to something really nice.  I've yet to provide myself with my ideal comfort.  I've yet to get to know myself--all that I am and am not and can be.  I haven't--mostly due to not being in season to do so.  So, when I accept that reality, it becomes so logically sound (and therefore I gain peace in knowing) that it is not the season for the warm and yet cool breeze of love to blow my way because I am not ready to love.  Again, I can, but I do believe that I would be cheating him because I'm still working towards my full potential.  I've just gotten started!--and I think to get involved with a man who could very well get accustomed to and find comfort in the things about me that I care not to sustain would be a tragedy.  Plus, I think any man would appreciate a woman who's got her own--whether it's her own self-made money or her own self-made confidence.


Surely, things of this matter are not very black and white.  There is room for a gray scale because the truth is we will always be working towards our potential, we may always be an incomplete puzzle, there is always room to grow and develop.  Indeed, in many ways I am very much a woman and have much to positively contribute to a relationship, and only God knows for what I am ready.  With that said, though, the one commonality that is shared among all the couples (that show signs of good health) is a sense of balance--a sense of individuality, a sense of maturity--that fosters a sound foundation of friendship and security.  And, when I am actually transparent with myself, I find that I still need to gain a sense of identity and independence, well-roundedness and grown woman-ness ...a sense of regal queenliness that exudes from the inside-out, which results from self-discovery, self-awareness, and self-assurance.  Self.  No one else.  So, in all honesty, if any man were to believe that I am his potential Mrs. Right, he would have to know into what season I am growing and be prepared to join me for the journey--even the risks.  We would have to practice much honesty, transparency, respect and communication regarding what is taking place between us collectively and within us individually.  For I don't need a savior to supply a deficiency, but a man to be an addition to my own greatness.  ...And I can't ask him to add to anything that I have yet to discover myself.


For those who are reading this and can identify, I think it's fair to say that, even if we have a desire for something, it does not mean that the season of which that desire should manifest is now.  Also, I'm not saying that I will no longer have the days that I don't mind being single, but find myself wondering "Why haven't one man found me worthy enough to pursue, let alone interesting enough to call me or say 'hi' from time to time?". ('Cause, in honesty, most days it's not singleness that bothers me, but the appearance that no man has deemed me 'enough' that bothers me the most--'enough' for them, 'enough' to invest in.  ...They window shop.  *smile*)  But I hope that in knowing that this is a season and knowing that no man owes me anything, not even his love, and that some people aren't meant to see me for good reason, will bring me comfort on those days.


I'm a romantic, always have been--I'm not so much the "I've already planned my wedding" kinda romantic but the "I look forward to express my love for him" romantic--, so I am sure to have many daydreams of possibilities to come from time-to-time.  I still look forward to that season of which I will be Mrs. Right for Mr. Right and we envelop ourselves in an unique love shared between two people that begets freedom-- freedom to be ourselves, express ourselves, and give of ourselves without shame, fear, or inhibition--and bound by God.


In continuation of answering the first question posed above, in the meantime, I will live my life--seeking the world around me and God near me--and therefore seeking myself, for I will be taking time to explore, discover, and become myself, so that such an environment for love can cultivate.


I believe ...love is sure to blow my way... when I'm ready--to respect it's purpose, an addition not a completion of myself.

"Him"

Something that just came to mind.
______________________________

Bored.
Or is it that I'm missing him?
Wanting his company,
his laughter, his warmth,
his presence.
I just want him here,
just want him near.
Can't wait for days of laziness,
eating ice cream by the fireplace.
Or wrapping our legs together as we watch movies and lie on the couch.
Can't wait for your return,
the days you come over because you couldn't
imagine ending it without seeing my face,
hearing my voice,
feeling my embrace.
Can't wait for the days of holding you, of having you.
I just want him near,
just want him here.
His presence,
his warmth, his laughter,
wanting his company.
I am missing him.

"Him" that I've yet to meet.

...I must be bored.