Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Love Is In the Air

Love is in the air.  And it's not blowing my way.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I have friends and loved ones who love me... and yet I want more.  Is it wrong that I want love... and romance?  Is it a crime that I want someone and I want them to want me too?  *smile*  Of course not.  But, as a single, I sometimes find myself wrestling with satisfaction and dissatisfaction, with patience & acceptance vs. impatience & downright pity for myself.

I promise.  I am happy for those who are cultivating new relationships, getting engaged, and getting married.  I am.  I love to see people united as one.  Two people who chose each other.  I do.  Yet I have to be honest, there are times that I find my happiness for someone else turn to sadness for myself.  My smile of joy for them turn into tears of pain for myself.  It's not jealousy.  I am happy for them.  I mean it.  I'm just sad for me.  Sad for the part of me that desires such a bond.  ...As a single, I have many days when I embrace my singleness; the idea of just being unattached to anyone and hence granted the freedom to consider no one else when I decide to travel and explore and experience this world just brings about such excitement!  But then there are many days when I care not about exploring the world and wish I could have someone with whom I can shut the world out and just be with.  Just us.  Only us.  And I'm not talking just anyone, but someone special.  Someone who's presence alone would suffice, if there were no T.V., no food, no A/C or heat, no comfy sofa to cuddle on.  Just us.  Just him because I can look in his eyes and upon his face for hours, and his words are of substance, and no matter the weather it's ok with him, and he's soft and yet firm enough to bring me comfort.  Someone who finds his comfort in me, too.

But the reality is is in the air and it's not blowing my way.  Admittedly, the realization of that brought me to tears, but after my pity party and (thank God) my tendency to reflect upon myself, I came to the realization that the wind's not blowing my way because it's not my season.  Everything has timing and romantic love is not scheduled to arrive yet.  See, the truth is I'm not ready for love.  Not because I am afraid to love, unwilling or unable to love, but because I am not ready to love.  It's a truth that I really hate to admit, especially publicly because some interesting/ed man may be reading this entry, but I can not lie.  I'm not ready.

I was sharing with a friend, who is convinced that I have men just beating my door down to get to know me-- *tsk* I don't, that I have come to the conclusion that embarking on a serious relationship would probably be a disservice to whomever involved.  Again, not because I'm unlovable or incapable of loving, but because I would like to offer more.  You know, those little things that aren't so little that distinguishes a woman from a girl.  I want to bring those things to the table.  There's much growing up I need to do and molding that need to take place.  In so many ways, I feel like a girl.  I've been legally able to drink for two years and I am two years shy of being a quarter of a century old (How old am I?  *smile*) ...and I still feel like a girl.  I'm in need of a lot of exploring and experiencing--within and outside myself.  And, yes, of course I can do those things with a man, but I'm not sure if I am ready for that.

See, I'm not sure if I am rooted in God enough to do that yet.  I can't say with confidence that, if he is an AWEsome man, that I won't in some way make him into a god--attributing him to all my discoveries and therefore equating him to be an intricate factor of all my God-given blessings.  (I'm just being honest.)  I know in my past that when I was in admiration of a man (I may be using "man" too loosely) that, although I know there is a God and I thank God for this (hu)man's presence, I grew to depend on him dangerously, in that he tended to govern my sense of joy and peace.  I would like to think that I have grown from those childish ways, but I've yet to have the opportunity to find out, and I don't think I want to find out by possibly making some great man my guinea pig by discovering such weaknesses while involved with him.  (I fear (although unintentionally) hurting someone.)  Nah.  I refuse.  I can't do that.  So with that being said, I am just about sure that I'm not ready.

And so the questions are "What do I do in the meantime?" and "How do I obtain true peace with my singleness when I have this natural yearning to have intimacy and create all the things that could result from such a relationship?"  ...Well, I need to take this time to grow and be molded into the woman that the man I would deem a potential Mr. Right would deem a potential Mrs. Right.  "Mrs. Right" because I know full well that dating someone just to have fun and pass the time is not appealing to me.  Dating someone because we can see each other to be "Right" for us is the idea I have in mind.  ...And when I honestly embrace that reality I can't help but laugh at myself for being frustrated that no one has chosen to date me (I don't mean take me on a date, for there is a difference between going on a date and dating someone).  For when I ask myself, "Am I ready to be a wife?", the answer is "No".  [Not unless a man wants a woman, who in many ways feel like a girl because she has yet to come into her own--get a sense of self.  Furthermore, she very well may fail to bring peace and pleasure after the Honeymoon phase because, even in her singleness, she fails to faithfully cultivate an intimate and organic relationship with the only ONE that loves her unconditionally, the ONE that is always faithful to her.  (It's fair to say, if I'm not faithful to Him, I will not be faithful to him.  (Unfaithfulness doesn't have to mean sexual immorality, but unfaithfulness in that duties/responsibilities as a wife (and husband) are not being met holistically.))]  I mean, I cry myself a river, but I have to check myself!  I look forward to treating a man, comforting a man, getting to know a man ...and I've yet to do those things for/with myself--not the way I'd like to.  I've yet to treat myself to something really nice.  I've yet to provide myself with my ideal comfort.  I've yet to get to know myself--all that I am and am not and can be.  I haven't--mostly due to not being in season to do so.  So, when I accept that reality, it becomes so logically sound (and therefore I gain peace in knowing) that it is not the season for the warm and yet cool breeze of love to blow my way because I am not ready to love.  Again, I can, but I do believe that I would be cheating him because I'm still working towards my full potential.  I've just gotten started!--and I think to get involved with a man who could very well get accustomed to and find comfort in the things about me that I care not to sustain would be a tragedy.  Plus, I think any man would appreciate a woman who's got her own--whether it's her own self-made money or her own self-made confidence.

Surely, things of this matter are not very black and white.  There is room for a gray scale because the truth is we will always be working towards our potential, we may always be an incomplete puzzle, there is always room to grow and develop.  Indeed, in many ways I am very much a woman and have much to positively contribute to a relationship, and only God knows for what I am ready.  With that said, though, the one commonality that is shared among all the couples (that show signs of good health) is a sense of balance--a sense of individuality, a sense of maturity--that fosters a sound foundation of friendship and security.  And, when I am actually transparent with myself, I find that I still need to gain a sense of identity and independence, well-roundedness and grown woman-ness ...a sense of regal queenliness that exudes from the inside-out, which results from self-discovery, self-awareness, and self-assurance.  Self.  No one else.  So, in all honesty, if any man were to believe that I am his potential Mrs. Right, he would have to know into what season I am growing and be prepared to join me for the journey--even the risks.  We would have to practice much honesty, transparency, respect and communication regarding what is taking place between us collectively and within us individually.  For I don't need a savior to supply a deficiency, but a man to be an addition to my own greatness.  ...And I can't ask him to add to anything that I have yet to discover myself.

For those who are reading this and can identify, I think it's fair to say that, even if we have a desire for something, it does not mean that the season of which that desire should manifest is now.  Also, I'm not saying that I will no longer have the days that I don't mind being single, but find myself wondering "Why haven't one man found me worthy enough to pursue, let alone interesting enough to call me or say 'hi' from time to time?". ('Cause, in honesty, most days it's not singleness that bothers me, but the appearance that no man has deemed me 'enough' that bothers me the most--'enough' for them, 'enough' to invest in.  ...They window shop.  *smile*)  But I hope that in knowing that this is a season and knowing that no man owes me anything, not even his love, and that some people aren't meant to see me for good reason, will bring me comfort on those days.

I'm a romantic, always have been--I'm not so much the "I've already planned my wedding" kinda romantic but the "I look forward to express my love for him" romantic--, so I am sure to have many daydreams of possibilities to come from time-to-time.  I still look forward to that season of which I will be Mrs. Right for Mr. Right and we envelop ourselves in an unique love shared between two people that begets freedom-- freedom to be ourselves, express ourselves, and give of ourselves without shame, fear, or inhibition--and bound by God.

In continuation of answering the first question posed above, in the meantime, I will live my life--seeking the world around me and God near me--and therefore seeking myself, for I will be taking time to explore, discover, and become myself, so that such an environment for love can cultivate.

I believe is sure to blow my way... when I'm ready--to respect it's purpose, an addition not a completion of myself.

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