Monday, December 20, 2010

Shame on Me

At times when things don't go as I wish,

I get to a place where I can't pray,
I can't praise,
I can't worship.

Shame on me.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Untitled: Unfortunate Truth

"No man is worth my relationship with God."
That's what we say.
Shoot, that's what I say.
And yet sometimes I find myself jeopardizing the relationship that is ALREADY in need of repair.

I consider dating men who don't confess Christ to be their Lord and Savior...
when I know that once I get emotionally involved I will naturally try to justify our relationship.
Try to make something that's not meant...
because it wasn't God sent nor approved.

Sometimes I get mad at myself when I think,
d*mn near plan the next time I can have sex.
Looking forward to it even.
All while reminding myself that his penis is not stronger than the power and blood of Christ.


I find myself asking myself, "Is this man more powerful than God?"
That's what I might as well be declaring anytime I give in to sex
...even when I'm telling myself "No"
the whole time I'm taking off my clothes.

I wish I could say it was simply about the sex
then it wouldn't be so deep.
I know that my yearning for sex is to feel loved
whether real or make believe.

I feel so empty sometimes.
I feel so guilty.
Not because I desire these things--
love that usually develops into a natural desire to become closer than close, and therefore have sex.
Because when you love someone so much, you naturally want to become one.
In all ways.
So... yeah.  I feel guilty.
Not because I desire these things--love and to express that love in all ways, even sexually--
but because I desire to fulfill this desire out of God's order--I want it now as a single--because I'm so empty,
so impatient, so weak in faith that I decide to do it my way--
have sex with a man just to feel loved for a moment,
yes, even love that I know is make believe.

...Just to find myself depleted afterwards and that I was a fool
for doing it my way and not God's perfect way, no matter how unrealistic it may seem,
because even make believe love doesn't satisfy.
Satisfaction that only love-filled companionship meets.
Satisfaction that can't be met when the one who loves me in make believe
is only concerned with satisfying things that are only skin deep.
They don't care about me beyond the moment I'm untangled from their sheets.

God wants more for me
and yet I struggle with the yearnings of my own flesh
and in essence declare that it's hard to pass up a hard penis
and easy to disobey God's Word, God's guidance.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

See Who's Capitalizing Off of Us....Street Slang Defined

When completing an assignment on Single Mothers, I went to the search engine Google to find the politically correct definition of "single mother". One of Google's results were Urban Dictionary: Single Mother. I clicked it since the other websites did not satisfy me. To my surprise I found these two definitions: 

1) Something that can happen to a female that makes poor decisions. 

ex: Salita was a female that only dated guys with money and fancy cars. She had 3 kids in a 4 year period pushing her further into single parenthood.

2) A women who is single and have child(ren) out of one of the following reasons:

1.) Divorced
2.) Carelessness
3.) Both

ex: Shanda was an unhappy single mother who was mad because men did not take her seriously in relationships because she had so many children. They only saw her as a sex object. She is expecting her sixth child.

Shanda has turned down invitations to be a guest on both the Jerry Springer and Maury Povich shows.

Now after reading the definitions and their examples (the name choices and scenarios are quite interesting), I looked in the top left corner and saw an advertisement for a book named "mo' urban dictionary", which can be bought at Amazon or Barnes & Noble. "Mo' urban"'s cover is designed with a Caucasian woman from maybe the 50s smiling with one of her thumbs up. Curiosity forced me to click on the advertisement link . Curiosity also led me to click on the compiler's name, Aaron Peckham. Doing that led me to another page, which introduced me to another book by the name of "Urban Dictionary (must be the first edition).

Now I know this may come off a bit racist or ignorant, but something told me that Aaron Peckham was not a man of color or better yet, someone who is of the urban community (I do know that you do NOT have to be of color in order to be from the urban community). So I Googled Aaron Peckham, but this time I searched Images. My intuition served me right.

Hey Ladies (and Gentlemen)!

To whom it concerns:

Ladies, I think we got it twisted. First, let me say that I think it is great that we have aspirations for who we want for a companion. We should all have a goal in mind however, ladies I have an issue with us having aspirations beyond our means. Let me explain.

As of lately (I guess the weather is getting warm and romance is in the air *smile*), I have heard much talk of ladies saying that they want a man with this and that. Well ladies, how much sense does it make if we want a man with his head on straight when ours is all lopsided? Or if we want a man who is physically fit yet we hate walking? Or how about wanting a man to spend $25 dollars on us when we only have $2.50 to our name?

The question you need to ask yourselves ladies is “Am I my “ideal” Mr. Right’s Ms. Right?” Be completely honest with yourself. If the type of man you want wouldn’t “ideally” want a woman like you then…. You may want to evaluate your wants or (hopefully) evaluate yourself.

I think it’s a shame when a woman expects something from a man that she doesn’t expect from herself. In fairness to men, we expect a lot from them and often times we don’t expect much of ourselves in a relationship. My point is this: it doesn’t make much sense for anyone (male or female) to ask anyone to bring anything to the table that they could not muster to the table themselves.

Clearly, the things I mentioned above are quite arguably minute, like physical fitness and money however it was the best way for me to get my point across. For instance, you can be unequally yoked in more than one way (unfortunately, most that I hear talking are only concerned about one (property)). You can be unequally yoked with possessions (property) and unequally yoked with substance (core or essence). Now someone who is unequally yoked can possibly be compatible because indeed a man with $25 to spend can be equally yoked with a woman with $2.50 (property), but only if that woman is trying (substance) to make the $2.50 into $25 (and vice versa). See, the only way this pair couldn’t be compatible is if the woman never intend to make her $2.50 into $25. That is not a matter of possession, that is a matter of substance. 

Just imagine yourself as an oxen yoked with another. That experience of a walk is indeed affected by the way the other chooses to walk. If you are walking a straight path forward and your partner is clearly not trying to walk forward but instead to the side that walk can be tiring. However, if you are walking straight and your partner is trying to walk straight, but perhaps their footing is a little off that walk can, too, be very tiring, but you may not get frustrated because you see there is an attempt at walking straight. Just in that same way Mr. Right is not going to choose and accept you if you are not Ms. Right it wouldn’t be enjoyable. 

Ladies, all I’m trying to say is that we shouldn’t expect the best if we are not the best (or attempting to be the best).

I’m just saying.

Will I Be 45 and Never Married Because I'm Black?

I'm thinking "it can't be so!" and wondering "is chivalry dead and has black men given up on black women?". I'm also thinking "why are black women still preferring black men, if black men are not preferring black women?" What do you think? I'm simply curious. 

I'm just a believer of black love. I believe its possible and its disheartening to think that people have given up on such views. Do I disagree with interracial relationships? Nope. Do I prefer black men? Definitely. I just feel discouraged,as a black woman, to hear that black men have primarily given up on black women due to generalizations. Especially when the ratios of men and women are disproportionate already. The numbers don't need to slim anymore due to lack of preference for women like myself. Am I being naive to think that the exceptions should be considered? And are they indeed exceptions or are we stereotyping each other, black men and women? 

Honestly, this is more for my curiosity than anything else. (A part of me don't even want to discuss this because its such common dialogue and because none of us really know the answer.) I have faith that the question posed in the title is null and void, but INDEED that is many black women's life. In fact, the women in our lives may just be 45+ and single, so it's not far-fetched. 

I ask that if you do comment that you comment HONESTLY and RESPECTFULLY.


So What Are We Supposed To Do Now That There Is Change?

My first thought is CHANGE OUR MINDSET OF SELFISHNESS. We need to be our brother's keeper. Period. If you don't know what I am talking about ask anyone who is 40 years + what it was like when they grew up in a neighborhood when neighbors were "family". I am more than sure there was a difference in self-image, there was a sense of responsibility/accountability, a sense of unity and support. As I heard today, it is necessary to "bring neighbor back to the 'hood" because such change takes more than just you alone.

My second thought is LOOK TO THE PAST. Learn it. We can learn a lot from it. Seriously. We have been successful before. Once upon a time we successfully had our own productive communities. We can do the same. I just ask that we not limit ourselves to building a community with those that look like you. Yes, black pride is necessary. It is necessary for us to increase and improve our self-image, however keep in mind that there are communities that are stricken with the same mental and societal factors as you and yours. Be willing to welcome all. Trust me, we can because for so many years we have had to embrace ALL that had ONE drop of black blood running through them as our own REGARDLESS of how black they looked.

My third thought is BEING WILLING TO CONTRIBUTE with our actions AND our character. Character may be more powerful than actions because often times people first notice WHO we are before they notice WHAT we are or do. Also, (and this relates to selfishness) in your contribution know that EVERYONE cannot be a leader. Everyone cannot lead because it is necessary for some to follow. So be willing to FOLLOW. And if for whatever reason you do not see the leader that you believe is necessary for change, BECOME that leader. Be mindful, be in tune with yourself enough though to know whether your decision to lead is one of personal benefit (recognition & power) or that of the benefit of others and the need to sacrifice yourself. SACRIFICE because leading is not pretty. Most times, as a leader, you are alone until others DECIDE to get on board (and one thing we do know is that the MIND is difficult to change), and there is no telling when they will. Maintain faith, hope, perseverance, and knowledge of yourself when you decide to let the blockade stall you. Deep down inside you KNOW who you are. Just accept it. Claim it and don't let LIES (past, present, and future) deter you, get you off track, lead you to destruction instead of construction of change. Necessary change.

I may add on to this. *smile* This was a rushed attempt of me trying to get all my thoughts expressed.

Also, (See? *LOL*) I don't know (I will never know) what the Obamas mean to you. I do ask though that we do not make them into immortals, remember they are not God Himself. (HOWEVER, they indeed embody God (as we ALL do--some just aren't knowledgeable of it, so they act accordingly)). When you see Barack Obama don't stop at the fact that he is a man of color and he is President. PLEASE take note of his CHARACTER (there goes that word again) and be influenced. When you see Michelle Obama take note of her character. Take note of her role in relation to her husband and her children, ladies. Aspire to be like that.

They are proof that there was NEVER a limit--only the limit we formed in our mind. I am not minimizing societal factors, but indeed we are sometimes our best hindrance. At times no one have to hold us back because we do it so well for them, the enemy. Open your minds and your soul to the FACT that there is no limit. There's no such thing. We CAN accomplish everything. Just keep in mind that they don't happen instantaneously. Sometimes it takes 200, 400, 2008 years. It may not happen in YOUR lifetime. Yes, I said it. YOU MAY NOT SEE THE FRUITS OF THE SEEDS YOU SOW. Period. Malcolm, Truth, Martin, Parks, Garvey did not see it happen, but it DID! So don't EVER let the fact that you can't see it manifest SOON stop you from being a catalyst for change.

Don't doubt yourself. Do you really think that Michelle's mother thought that her daughter would be the leading female of the First Family? Do you think that Barack's father knew that his son would be President of AMERICA? Do you think Michelle knew when she decided to "spend the day" with Barack 19 years ago? Do you think Barack as a young man knew that he was going to be President? So don't ever doubt the wonders that may manifest from some of your peers. Try not to cast them out. Don't ever doubt the wonders that may manifest from YOU. Don't allow others to cast you out and most important, don' cast YOURSELF out.

With love and with much budding growth and wisdom,

Sa'Toya S. Truss 

~Human Connection = Love = Creation~

I heard recently that human connection is our sole purpose. When you think about it, it may very well be true. God made man for company I'm sure. Because before Adam and Eve sinned they did not have to worship and praise him. They just had to live, be, and enjoy
His presence. We praise and worship today because we are sinners appreciative of His grace and mercy.

I think human connection has a lot to do with creating , too. God is a creator. And we are indeed made in His image.
Human connection (or love) is all about creating. Creation comes from the
 love of something. 

Ever see a wo/man try to create the perfect moment, the perfect relationship, the perfect man/woman? I would say that's an attempt to create (or manifest) their sole purpose. ...You can think of a man or woman and their craft. Ever see a man or woman do all they can to accomplish their task? Whether artist, banker, community organizer, dancer, lawyer, mother, nurse, police officer that man or woman is creating something in/tangible, either in/directly because they have a love to create something.

*smile* When we love each other, we are creating... moments, babies, lifestyles, adventures, a purpose. 

So maybe we desire HUMAN CONNECTION because deep down we all want LOVE and in order get it (or express it) we CREATE.

Just a thought.

Thank God for Slave Masters!


because I don't watch much television and fail to keep up with the dialogue of the likes of Soulja Boy, I may be bringing up a question that has already been addressed. In the past two days I have been made aware that African Americans should be thankful for slavery because it is due to it that we are free from the horrors of Africa. 


I want to publicly apologize for being a black woman who was not aware of the gratitude she should have for her lineage's oppressors. I am SO sorry. ...*smirk*YEAH RIGHT!!!


I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and that indeed that reason is for our better good, however I would NOT go as far to say that slavery was a blessing and that I should thank slave master Truss (most likely from Alabama) for enslaving my family.

Am I just an ignorant, "black pride" ranting woman who need to get over slavery? (I HOPE you hear my sarcasm) ...Or am I in my right mind and realize that we are not too far removed from slavery and that it in/directly effects us today?

Please respond and enlighten this young woman (Me). 
(I usually don't tag people to notes because I don't write notes necessarily for a response. I would LOVE responses to this note, though. If you don't want to respond, pass it along to someone you think would.)

---   ---   ---

"Shout-out to the slave masters! Without them we'd still be in Africa. We wouldn't be here to get this ice and tattoos." 
-- Soulja Boy, during an interview with BET correspondent Toure. The rapper later claimed he was only joking.

 Reverend Jesse Lee Peterson (He's a reverend. That's scary.)

Beautiful ~ Never-ending ~ Love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~I WANT TO CREATE ... BEAUTIFUL!~ ~ ~ ~ ~

* life *memories *experiences *present *never-ending moments 
* past *future

Never-ending moments. Beautiful moments that never end. Simply continue forevermore.

Continue when we're together, when we sleep, when we wake, when we're apart, when we're alone, when with others. Continue when we. Continue when we. Even when we die. Our love will be never-ending.

Simply continue forevermore. Beautiful moments that never end. Never-ending moments.

Now that's love. *smile*

Every Day ... So Hard to Love ... Him

It's hard to love someone when you can't act on it.
Everyday I miss him; Wanting him near, 
every weekend, every day,
when it's cold outside,
when it's warm outside,
When it's raining, when it's sunny,
when it's inclement weather,
every day,
every night,
every morning,
when I sleep,
when I shower,
when I awake,
when I eat,
when I walk campus,
when I read, do homework, watch tv, dance in my room, sing along with a tune.
It's hard.
It's difficult feeling this way about someone
and they may not feel that way
for you.

A Heart to Heart: Cuddles of Comfort... and Danger

So a recent conversation sparked this one. This form of expression is right off the cuff. So...

You say, "I don't want sex at all. Just someone to enjoy my presence." 
Because I know too well what you mean 
I finish and say, "Someone to talk to. Someone I can fall asleep in his arms and feel ...comfort.
Safe and sound. Peaceful."

Hmmm. Sounds like intimacy.
Sounds nice.
But the truth of the matter is
intimacy is DANGEROUS.
"More dangerous than sex to me."

See, a man can take away sex ...
"and I'll be just fine. My spirit would most likely be relieved."
don't take away the in-ti-ma-cy.
"I will go CRAZY."

Intimacy is special, too, and shouldn't be underestimated.
"Oh, I just want to cuddle with someone."
Well, we should be choosey about that too.

A man we cuddle with may not be penetrating our body
he's penetrating our heart...
...and that's DANGEROUS.

"Sis, I'm starting to believe that we have to be careful for what we hope and wish for."
Who says cuddling isn't as intimate or invasive as sex?
Ever felt connected to someone before you two ever met?
Can you imagine the connection two can make after the feel of ...comfort
has permeated that armor that we wear in order to protect ourselves? 
The armor that we wear even with our close family and friends?

Intimacy is dangerous.
With intimacy comes comfort.
And with comfort comes trust that one can take off their armor.

You say, "I'm starting to believe that we have to wait for THE ONE."
The one with whom such comfort and trust is safe.
The one who with to cuddle is not dangerous.
"The one for whom I am willing to wait."

Dang! That may be a long wait.
"But I'm willing to wait because I know what I want.
I want it all," is what I say.


an indulgence of something that satisfies
so many things bring me
but none do so as you
And still there is no indulgence
at all
but sweet, small moments
Thank you for the


This is something I wrote a long while ago. I can't share all that I wrote because I was VENTING. *lol* But I thought it was interesting enough to share the edited version. I was going through some hard times of weakness. *smile* It's funny now, but IT WAS NOT at the time. (p.s. Love never dies, just remolded to fit the circumstances.)

Frustration from wanting you close
and I can't have you.
Frustration from not having fun
even when I try because I'd rather
do "nothing" with you.
I want you and I'm tired of not having you.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.
Do you know last night I felt you?
I swear you were near.
My body reacted, my breathing changed.
I swear my eyes even watered.


Frustrated because I'd rather be sitting
close to you.
Frustrated because I'd rather be enjoying you.


I'm a fool...
I feel like a fool...

I feel this way
and you don't.


Baby, I love you!

And I wish I knew,
I wish the words "I don't love you"
could come out your mouth
so that the pain of your words
could wake me up to reality.

Just say it already!
Just tell me.
Tell me anything...
but make sure it's the truth.

You sleep at this hour
and I cry tears in the shower
hoping that those that walk past my door
can't hear my cry
glad to know no one can see my tears...

because I'm here alone
and you're at home
dreaming your dreams.

I'm so happy that you don't consume my 
head while I've fallen asleep in my bed
because then I would not be free at all
from this...this frustration.
I can get away from it in my sleep.
It's only in my waking hours that you
consume me.
When I'm busy, when I'm bored,
when I hear a song, when I read a book,
when I choose an outfit, when I eat a meal,
when I'm with my friends, when I'm in the
shower, when I first see myself in the morning,
when I brush my teeth, when I sit on my
couch, when I walk the campus, when I'm in
class, when I'm at home, when I'm on the phone,

You're often in my head
and I can't stop it.

I want you so much and I love you.

I'm just frustrated!

And I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of this frustration.


and I don't think I can do it anymore. 

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