Saturday, October 16, 2010

Untitled: Unfortunate Truth

"No man is worth my relationship with God."
That's what we say.
Shoot, that's what I say.
And yet sometimes I find myself jeopardizing the relationship that is ALREADY in need of repair.

I consider dating men who don't confess Christ to be their Lord and Savior...
when I know that once I get emotionally involved I will naturally try to justify our relationship.
Try to make something that's not meant...
because it wasn't God sent nor approved.

Sometimes I get mad at myself when I think,
d*mn near plan the next time I can have sex.
Looking forward to it even.
All while reminding myself that his penis is not stronger than the power and blood of Christ.


I find myself asking myself, "Is this man more powerful than God?"
That's what I might as well be declaring anytime I give in to sex
...even when I'm telling myself "No"
the whole time I'm taking off my clothes.

I wish I could say it was simply about the sex
then it wouldn't be so deep.
I know that my yearning for sex is to feel loved
whether real or make believe.

I feel so empty sometimes.
I feel so guilty.
Not because I desire these things--
love that usually develops into a natural desire to become closer than close, and therefore have sex.
Because when you love someone so much, you naturally want to become one.
In all ways.
So... yeah.  I feel guilty.
Not because I desire these things--love and to express that love in all ways, even sexually--
but because I desire to fulfill this desire out of God's order--I want it now as a single--because I'm so empty,
so impatient, so weak in faith that I decide to do it my way--
have sex with a man just to feel loved for a moment,
yes, even love that I know is make believe.

...Just to find myself depleted afterwards and that I was a fool
for doing it my way and not God's perfect way, no matter how unrealistic it may seem,
because even make believe love doesn't satisfy.
Satisfaction that only love-filled companionship meets.
Satisfaction that can't be met when the one who loves me in make believe
is only concerned with satisfying things that are only skin deep.
They don't care about me beyond the moment I'm untangled from their sheets.

God wants more for me
and yet I struggle with the yearnings of my own flesh
and in essence declare that it's hard to pass up a hard penis
and easy to disobey God's Word, God's guidance.

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