Sunday, January 31, 2010

"Why are women more thirsty for love?": My response to the question

I thought about your question "Why women are more thirsty for love?"  Well, I am not sure 'why women are more thirsty', but I think I do know why people thirst for love--romantic love.

So, think of all your relationships.  Your relationship with your grandparents, your cousins, your parents.  All those relationships were not of choice.  You have or had no control of your relationship with them.  (Even if you choose not to have a relationship, you are biologically tied to them.)  Now think of your relationship with others.  You have classmates, professors, employers, and even friends.  Now, yes, these relationships are by choice.  These relationships may be valued, but even with your friends, whom I would expect you to be the closest with of all the above chosen relationships, there are still barriers, boundaries, that can't be crossed with your homeboys or with your platonic female friends.  There are areas that your friends can't enter and satisfy.

So, it's safe to say that romantic relationships are the only relationships formed by choice that do not have boundaries.  In romantic relationships I would hope that both individuals can be open, can be vulnerable with the other person.  That is why most sane people take the time to make sure the person they become romantically intimate is kosher because the person they choose is given the ability and the permission to permeate areas that your friends or even your parents cannot.

Being that women are generally more romantic from conception, I can understand why romance and love would be a constant desire.  From childhood we were taught that Cinderella needed her Prince Charming to save her from the evil stepmother, that Jasmine needed her Aladdin to take her on a ride on the magic carpet, and that Barbie needed her Ken to go along with her Malibu Beach House.

Women desire to be desired.  Cinderella was chosen out of all the girls at the ball, Aladdin chose Jasmine out of all the women in the kingdom (Maybe her being a princess had something to do with that, I don't know.), and I would assume Ken chose Barbie out of all the Mattel dolls.  I want to be chosen.  I want to be chosen as someone's #1 pick.  I want to be chosen as someone's friend that can get so close, so close that he chooses only me to get inside of.  The only one he chooses to release himself with physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  You can't get much closer than that.  With me he chooses to share his body; with me he chooses to share his deepest, darkest, most uncomfortable secrets; with me he chooses to tell me what's on his mind, what he really thinks; with me he chooses me to be one with him and journey with him as spiritual partners.

Truth is, most times you have to share your mother with your siblings, share your grandparents with cousins, your professor with classmates, share friends with friends however, you never have to share your man or woman with anyone else, at least not in the same capacity because romantic relationships are exclusive and there is only room for two.

Women just want to be exclusive, they want someone they don't have to share in the same way.  Even when a woman has a man she have to share him because there are many roles of a man (as they are for a woman), but she never have to share him in the role he plays for her.  She is the only one worthy of experiencing that role because he chose her to be his supporting cast, his co-star.  No one else.

I think it's a shame that men, based upon your question, don't desire as much or thirst for romantic love as much as women.  i am sure they would enjoy the safety, the thrill, the beauty, the freedom, the happiness, the warmth that results from such a relationship.  And to think all those perks (and more) would be consciously exclusive to them.

Bliss Like This

Sometimes I imagine sex
I imagine making love
and it's like I can feel it,
I can feel someone on me,
someone behind me,
someone touching me.
And it feels so good.
And as I imagine, I hope that when I do
make love it could at least feel like
this, like bliss.
Like I want to come out of my skin
and stay in it.
Like I want to escape my skin because
I don't deserve such bliss but
I want to stay in my skin because
no one but me deserves this.

The Cave and Explorer Concept

This bliss I imagine...
I hope I can give that to a man.
Sometimes I feel intimidated by
the thought of making love...
because making love has a lot of
It's just not about me, it's about him too.
I know that it is socially accepted
that men have sole responsibility
to provide the pleasure and that the
responsibility for the woman ends when
she decides and allows it to happen.
I can only imagine such "rules" have been
accepted because women possess this
dark cave that bears light once
explored, a cave with many unknown
depths and spaces that the exploration
of it alone provides the adventure, the
bliss.  It's up to the cave explore to make
the exploration interesting.  Honestly,
when thinking of this cave and explorer
concept, I imagine it is a good metaphor.
For anyone can explore the cave, but
at what lengths (no pun intended) is the
explorer willing to go to discover the
wonders of the cave?  Is he only going
to explore the entryway of the cave?
Is he going to explore the walls of the
cave only?  Or is he going to explore the
cave until he gets to the end,
until he gets to the bottom, 'til he explores
each crevice, each space of the cave?
I guess that, in the case of the explorer, is
a lot of responsibility, for, although the
woman is born with this cave of unknown
space, she is providing a possibly great
adventure... if the explorer explores it
right.  Her trusting him and granting
access to him is a lot of responsibility
in itself.


Don't ask where this "concept" came from.  *smile*  I don't remember.


Can't see myself as much because last time I gave
my heart to such
he burned me with his touch
I gave my all to him and only him
loyalty, respect, and understanding
yet I didn't really feel loved until I
dropped the panties.

He seemed so perfect; seemed too good to
be real
then one November night he showed me
he was someone to
I should have left him in May
when he decided to sway
But me trying to be a woman of maturity
tried to be open-minded and convince
myself that it was okay 'cause shit
I never expected a man to be a perfect fit.

See, I was a "good" girl before him, "good"
girl while with him, and a "good" girl after
him however, I saw that me being good
didn't prevent my heart, dreams, and
securities to be broken.
Plus it seems like the only girls that
are getting male attention are the ones
that are open.

I've tried and I'm still trying to get to know men
for them
I take an interest in a man because I want to
know him, what drives him?, who do he want
to be?, who is he?
but men only want to be
men don't take enough interest in me
to get to know me
what drives me?, who do I want to be?,
befriend me and really have the
patience to get to know me

You and he will see that it's not that
I have trouble being a phenomenal
It's you that have something obscuring your view
that prevents you from seeing me as such


True story.

My Love Confusion

If you can't tell by now, I'm quite the romantic.  Love, once upon a time, was a constant thought.  Now, I'm more confident that it'll come when it's my time to reap such a reward.  I no longer consume my mind with the possibilities of it.  I simply believe and wait.  *smile*


They said or better someone explained to me
that confusion is the art of the devil.
Could I say then that my love confusion
is due to Lucifer's doings?

Are my sleepovers at my male friend's house then
the devil's work or could it possibly be the making
of Love, which is God?

Is my trusting, and openness, the makings of
Love or Confusion?

How about my certainties and insecurities?
Love or Confusion?

My urgency, and impatience, Love or Confusion?

My acceptance, and independence; Love or Confusion?

My heart's desires...  Love or Confusion?

I'm not sure of who, what, or why love is so
confusing but I am sure of one thing...

Love will overcome all confusion!


As I read this poem again, I realize how much I've grown.  The fact that I even have a blog is a testament of how open and unashamed and confident I am because 1) I'm private.  Period.  and 2) the fact that I'm admitting that I had "sleepovers" is a bit surprising to me.  Granted, I didn't have intercourse with this friend, but STILL I'm sharing it.  *lqtm*  I've come a long way in more ways than one.  I'm bolder than ever; transparency is very therapeutic.

God is Love

It's said and believed by many that
God is Love
If so, why do so many fail to search for God
even I am guilty of this yet I still search for
man to fulfill that


Is it that I am guilty of looking at men religiously
Is it that I believe a man is the image of God
and since man is more accessible I find it
easier and more realistic to obtain the love that
I can feel from man instead of God
a being I am taught exists
At least I know man exists so surely his love
exists too
But can I say the same with certainty about


Indeed, I can today.  *smile*  In fact, I know that God is the best man, and His love is the best, I could ever have.

The Black Woman

Sun's bright but gloom still exists.
Yellow and gray
Blue as the sky that holds the sun and gloom.
Yet a smile still appears on my face.


So many times, so many times
I've been looked over by you
So many times, so many times
I've wondered when I could have you

I've been pegged "the sweetheart"

Why you gotta treat me this way, why haven't you asked me to stay
If I'm such a sweetheart, when you gon' ask me to stay

Is it that you're afraid of me
'Cause you know with me comes responsibility

I sit and think men, I think men, they can't handle someone like me
They know I'm gonna be selfless and provide all that they need
Why wouldn't he want that?, I ask myself

That's when I answer
It dawns on me that they're

not men at all but boys afraid of

what love will bring




They'll have to think about their actions and what it'll mean to me.

I actually find this one a bit funny now.  I mean, yes, they may have been "afraid of what love will bring" or maybe they just didn't want me.  *lol*  ...Thank God they didn't.  I'm certain there's better in store.

I Know Better

I think about the woman I want to be
the woman I should be and I see a disconnection
between who I am and who I want  to be, need to be
I'm putting myself out there and I shouldn't be
Not like this anyways
I'm putting myself out there without keeping in mind
of my self-worth
I lower myself in fear that no one will appreciate me for me
I lower myself, make myself more accessible because I feel that
some attention is better than no attention
But I know better than that
I know I deserve better interaction
I know that if I am not appreciated by someone then that someone
is not worthy of any energy
I know that if I truly knew in my heart my value, my actions
would stem from that belief
And from there I will be appreciated by the worthy
So, there's nothing wrong with those who don't
I place the blame on the woman I am
Because the woman I want to be knows that once I become her
Someone will appreciate me
So now I need to give someone a reason to appreciate me.


Thank God for change.  I can say that today I am more a representation of "the woman I want to be" than "the woman I am".  *smile*

What is Love?

Love is that one thing that makes everything alright.  It is the one thing that gives you happiness when life gives you sadness.  Love is that thang that gives you warmth in the coldness, security in danger, and gives you a reason to face another day when life seems dire.


So sometimes I find "expressions" (I dare not call them poems) from my past.  They may or may not be relevant today, but I find them all interesting and raw, for they all were expressed at some point of my journey.  Here's one.

In this life of treacherous mountains, winding roads, unpredictable seas, and peaceful valleys
my mind sometimes slips
sometimes my body and flesh are weak

but my heart is always true...
clutched close because it's the one constant
part of me
even when my flesh is weak, and my mind
seems lost.
my heart?  It's here and true.

I love me.


I was expressing that even though I may get off balance at times, it's my heart, my soul, my spirit that keeps me from drifting too far, for it is my heart that reaches out for me and brings me back to balance, back to sanity.

It Takes a Village. ...Or Does It?

This morning I was sitting in my room studying and downstairs my mother and her friend were talking.  ...And I kept hearing this child say, "Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy."  And then repeatedly call my mother's name.  Well, I must say this perturbed me.  Not because the child was calling for them, but because she was calling for them while they were clearly talking.  I thought, "This child doesn't have any manners."  But then I thought about it and realized that a child at that age only do what they are allowed to.  Which further made me think of why the adults hadn't corrected the child's behavior.  ...This then made me think about the bigger picture:  the state of the community.  Yeah, I'm serious.

The situation was reminiscent of the bigger community.  Truth of the matter is there was a child downstairs who was, in my opinion, acting unmannerly, two adults--one being the parent and the other being a friend of the parent--not addressing the matter, and a young woman, me, upstairs wanting so badly to address it, but opted out because she didn't want to be out of order or offensive.  This happens EVERYDAY in the community.

In a perfect world, the child would know better because the parent would have taught the child better.  In a better world, if the parent had not taught the child their manners,  the parent's friend would have addressed the child herself.  And in a good world, I would have gone downstairs, knelt down to the girl at eye level and said, "Hey Child's Name, your mom and Ms. My Mother's Name are talking.  If you want their attention, say 'excuse me' sunshine.  Ok?"  And smiled.  ...But none of this occurred.  So what type of world is this?

What type of world is this that people turn a blind eye to things that are not right?  What type of world is this that people who want to address a problem hesitate to do so because they don't want to get in 'someone else's business'?  What type of world is this that when a person is addressed they take offense, they're on the defensive?  In my opinion, this is a world that is soon to crumble.  Seriously.  Sometimes I think of the world I, God-willing, will bring children into.  I mean, what state will this world be in--when basic manners, basic expressions of respect for another like "Please", "Thank you", and "Excuse me" are no longer being taught or being required?  What will the state of the world be in when those of the community decide to shut their eyes at everything that is out of order?  Clearly, if you close your eyes, it doesn't mean the boogey man is no longer standing in front of you.  And as a people, have we become so sensitive that we can't accept constructive criticism without being on the defensive?  When did it become odd for the wise to correct the wrongdoing?

Trust me, I know I've heard or have even thought myself "Old people always in somebody's business!"  But Lord knows, I wish there was somebody in someone's "business".  (I place 'business' in quotation marks because, we are each other's business.  There's nothing that happens on the other side of the fence that doesn't in some way affect my yard.  Maybe not directly and maybe not today, but it will and it DOES.)  If someone's getting in your business out of the spirit of love, I see nothing wrong with that.  And I stand by that.  But because people don't like to be held accountable--the REAL root of the matter--no one wants anyone to interject, even if that interjection is most needed for the well-being of our community.

I don't know how many times I've seen a child look like they could use a hug or a man look like he could use a smile while I was out on the town (or any form of injustice or pain) and instead of providing those things, as that small voice inside of me told me to, I kept it moving because my desire to oblige that voice within was overpowered by the fear of being looked at as weird or my actions being misunderstood.  It is indeed difficult to balance the need to be your brother's keeper and to let your brother be, but we can't get to a point where our village is becoming more like a vast land of separate tents.  Does that make sense?  I hope so.

  • My hope is that those with wisdom guide those that may not be wise.
  • My hope is that those who are aware of destructive behavior--no matter how small or big--of the community, address it.
  • My hope is that those addressed discern (which, honestly, requires maturity) whether the words of guidance spoken are said out of malice or love, falsehood or truth before becoming defensive or offended.  (We have to be big enough to look ourselves in the mirror, ladies and gentleman.  If we can't address issues within ourselves, how can we address any issue?)
  • My hope is that we can find somewhere, somehow the benefit of having a village, even among this big ol' world.  We can't get so advanced that we no longer recognize the sanctity of community.  

It indeed takes a village to raise a child and for us all to survive.  I'm not talking about mere physical survival, but the survival of the orientation of our family called the human race.  Right now, in my humble opinion, we are quite incompetent and mediocre where it really matters, i.e. respect for others, the values that we pass on from generation to generation, our general mindset.  Right now the lesson being taught is "be quiet, don't rebel even when it's absolutely necessary" (and it's necessary whenever it affects our well-being negatively, killing us, disabling us).

In fact, stories, such as Chicago's Derrion Albert, are a result of such destruction of a village.  When the tragedy occurred I heard a lot of people place blame on a lot of people.  But truth is no one every claimed accountability for their contribution to such a tragedy, whether directly or indirectly (remember that fence I mentioned above?)  Many didn't and still haven't come forward out of fear--fear of the community bullies, but also the fear of being deemed a "snitch".  It's a culture that is destroying our villages.  Secondly, many people fail to have respect for others, so to take someone else's life is done effortlessly.  And thirdly, I'm very sure that the culture (according to, "the quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent") of that Chicago community has been that way for generations.  The acceptance of and excuses people made for the actions of those that took Albert's life was heartbreaking to hear.  ( The last video in particular affected me the most.  I couldn't even be upset with the young man because he's stating the facts of his reality, that "People die daily.")  But again, because people who are aware of the boogey man choose to close their eyes instead of face it, the cycle continues.  And because those that have been educated by the ones who choose not to face the boogey man identifies the boogey man as a norm that should not be addressed and, furthermore, finds it offensive to address it, the boogey man keeps lurking at our expense.

We have to decide at what cost we are willing to have our village, or what's left of it, destroyed.  Is the cost of being considered "nosey", "a snitch", or "weird" too high to address the issues of our community and the possible continuation of those issues once we're dead and gone from this world?  I say, "No." 

We can't mind our business at the expense of allowing someone to be led astray, by not guiding each other at all in fear of offending.  Truth is we all need to be offended from time to time in order to get out of our comfort zone.  We must stop embracing this culture of not being accountable, for not only ourselves but each other, for we should be our brother's keeper.

And, yes, it does take a village.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Something that just came to mind.

Or is it that I'm missing him?
Wanting his company,
his laughter, his warmth,
his presence.
I just want him here,
just want him near.
Can't wait for days of laziness,
eating ice cream by the fireplace.
Or wrapping our legs together as we watch movies and lie on the couch.
Can't wait for your return,
the days you come over because you couldn't
imagine ending it without seeing my face,
hearing my voice,
feeling my embrace.
Can't wait for the days of holding you, of having you.
I just want him near,
just want him here.
His presence,
his warmth, his laughter,
wanting his company.
I am missing him.

"Him" that I've yet to meet.

...I must be bored.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Show Me What I'm Looking For...

"Save me, I'm lost.  Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you..." (Carolina Liar's Show Me What I'm Looking For)  I absolutely adore this song.  I watched the first season Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew and would always enjoy the snippet of this song whenever it would play.  Since I don't watch many music video programs or listen to much FM radio, I didn't know who this was, but I knew I wanted this song on my playlist!  I'm just now finding it (I guess it wasn't much of a priority  *lol*).  ...This song is SO moving.  I read the biography of Carolina Liar--"sounds like a Hollywood movie script about the music industry" (VH1)--and it sounds like God has a plan for everything to me.  *smile*

I'm new to this band, but I think I've found a new favorite, someone to add to my Pandora (this is why I don't listen to FM radio  *smile*) account.  I'm not familiar with the rest of their body of work, but I'm hoping they produce more music like this.  This song, although I don't know what it means to Carolina Liar, means so much to me.  I've felt lost, confused, I've yearned for a sign that life does get better, that I get better than this, and I definitely have wanted "this far too long" (for me, The Lord and the peace of mind I find comes with knowing Him).

Thank God He'll never let go.  (Which reminds me of another song, David Crowder Band's Never Let Go.)

Never Let Go by David Crowder Band - MP3 Pop Song - Windows Medium

Just an early Sunday morning thought.  *smile*

p.s.  I would love to hear what songs have moved you, inspired you, gotten you through, touched you.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A Joy, A Peace Like Never Before...

Tonight I sit at my computer contemplating "What should I say?  What should I say that will give those who may visit this blog an understanding of who I am TODAY?"   ...Really, there's much that can't be said, you would have to witness it for yourself.  BUT I will say this, I have a joy, a peace like never before.  I am smiling from ear-to-ear for no real reason at all, other than the fact that I am happy and I have trust in God.  He's brought me from confusion to clarity, from pain to relief.  I could cry, but I'm too joyous to do it!  *SMILE*

I look at my journal before me and words like "broken-hearted", "rejection", "unworthiness", and "confusion" are found in the first entry of 2009.  Last year, 2009, although I was guilty of being stressed by finances (not knowing how to cover the basics--rent, tuition) and academics (just got tired, better known as Senioritis  *smile*), my biggest crime was self-doubt.  That was something that I RARELY fell victim to.  Of course, I've been insecure about somewhat superficial things, like my appearance or abilities, but I never doubted my essence, my worth, my innate beauty that can not be captured by a camera.  This reality led to shame for many months because I'm strong-spirited--there's not much that anyone (trust me, even my friends have tried; they meant well *smile*) can convince me to believe or consider if it doesn't sit well with my spirit.  Well, when that same spirit is broken, it leads one to thinking that is not in accordance with that spirit's essence.  I found this out in the Spring.

For the first time in my life, I felt numb.  Being convinced that I was invisible did that to me.  Believing that I wasn't someone to be proud of did that to me.  Just numb.  I smiled and no one noticed that I was hurting.  (Now I feel like crying. That's a horrible way to feel.)  I felt like I played by the rules and yet, I continued to come up short.  I was convinced I wasn't good enough.

The best advice I received in 2009, ironically so, were "Take it one day at a time" and "Move forward".

In taking it one day at a time, I was challenged to trust God.  To believe that all will be as planned.  That my confusion will one day lead to a day of clarity.  I also became aware of weakness.  How much easier it is to succumb to it than I'd ever realized before.  I always thought that overcoming life's matters were a matter of mind over matter.  I found with my own experience that even the strongest minds can fall victim to being weakened.  Insecurity, defined as lack of confidence or assurance, resulted in me compromising my personal beliefs, standards.  It's crazy!  And very sad.  It's a disease that in some shape or form affects us all.

I now know better.  Period.  Moving forward is so easy to do when you gain a sense of self.  I now know for a fact that I am worthy, that I have value.  I'm stronger, more confident, more connected to God and I pity the fool who tries to convince me that I'm not a beautiful creation of value or tries to break me down.  *smile*  They will have a feat before them because I'm not going anywhere but forward and upward.  All that has occurred in 2009 were blessings that has changed my life forever because they have impacted the outlook I now have for 2010.

I thank God for the lessons learned.  I thank God for His mercy.  I thank God that my heart has not been hardened, in fact, I would say it's more open because I learned a valuable lesson--that with love there are no regrets.  That's why I will continue to do things out of a spirit of love.  Of course, there will be some, maybe many, who won't appreciate it or will be skeptical of it, but I won't allow those reactions to make me numb and cold because I will be doing myself a disservice.  I deserve to love others and to be loved.  I'm purposed to contribute love to this world. (psst... So are you.  *smile*)

I thank God for my friends, my family, and those that contributed to my pain and confusion.  I STILL love them.  I wish they knew just how genuine I am when I say that.  Love has never failed me.  God's love for me has kept me here--still standing.  My innate love for myself (that we all deep down inside have for ourselves) has been the source of me not deteriorating within my pain and insecurity.  I kept fighting for myself, the REAL me.  Love is powerful, it's real and that love has allowed me to obtain a patience for those that I love like no one I can think of.  It's because of my acknowledgment that there were many times that God was patient with me, that I feel that there is NO reason why I cannot practice patience (and forgiveness) towards others.  Now whether they decide to stay in my life is up to them, a decision which I will respect and accept out of love for them. Experience has taught me, though, that those that decide to come back or stay appreciate the fact that I didn't give up on them.  ...I love me more than before!  I LIKE me.  *SMILE*

I want to encourage you to LOVE.  Love doesn't fail you, it's people that fail you.  So don't ever stop embracing and sharing love.  Also, patience is DEFINITELY a virtue.  With patience comes definite answers.  All you need is time and, during that time, to stay true to self and obedient to righteousness and before long a clarity of truth will be visible, shining bright before you.  The challenge is to accept the truth.  We mess up trying to convince ourselves that the truth is not the truth.  No, it's the truth!  Now, move forward.

God is so AWEsome!  Love is so AWEsome!  And because of it, I am fearless.  I'm no longer afraid of things I was once afraid of because TODAY I know that I can endure anything.  I was built to endure E-VER-Y-THING my life presents to me.  I know that I'm resilient.  I trust God enough to know that He would never leave me astray.  I know that I'm victorious before the battle begins--all I have to do is withstand it!  It's temporary, just one more thing to mold me into who I am purposed to be (if I allow it).

I feel so free, so light.  I have no expectations and yet, I trust that I will gain more than my heart's desires when I'm qualified to receive such blessings.  I know this sounds real fluffy, but it's so grounded.  It's so real.  I am literally in a place in my life where I believe that I can honestly face a disappointment and not ask God, "Why?  ...Why not?" because I trust that today's storms begets tomorrow's rainbows, that my suffering begets strength of character.  How can I complain when such a blessing is guaranteed to be bestowed upon me?

I don't know.  Like I said, it's something you'd have to witness.  It's difficult to explain.  I do know this:  I have a joy, a peace like never before!  ...I can't wait to see what trial I'll endure this year and how it will contribute to my growth.  I'm already excited for 2011!  *smile* 

"I've cried, I've sighed, and now I'm smiling because I can now say that I'm moving forward."

Happy 2010 ~  Happy Life,

          Miss Royal

[01.21.2010--I think I've just found the song  that reflects this blog's: Mary Mary's "Forgiven Me" (not posted here because it's not on their official website).]

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