Monday, June 6, 2011

My Name's Not "Complex"

I have this tendency of calling myself "complex". In reality, we are all complex. But what I have found is that I identify myself as such not in the sense of being a compound of emotions, dreams, thoughts, and behavior, but in the negative connotation of being "complicated", "hard to understand".

Yesterday while visiting a church the sermon spoke of Bartimaeus of the Book of Mark whose patronymic name meant Bar (Son of) + Timaeus (To be unclean). In essence, son of unclean (man). The pastor further spoke of the Mental Complex-Conscience Mind and how it houses our belief & value system & is the heart of the decision making process. Our decisions are either validated or rejected. What Bartimaeus was told, called became part of his belief system.

Last night my loving sister was moved to express to me that she doesn't like very much that I had called myself "complex" (quite a bit) when describing myself to some friends. I told her why I call myself "complex" & for the first time I vocalized & became aware of how my tendency to be disliked or treated coolly by people who barely know me, if at all, or my tendency to feel misunderstood has conditioned me to believe that I am "complex".

I don't want to claim that anymore. I don't want to designate myself with fault because people have obvious disdain for me--even when I know I haven't done anything (or, at least, have the heart to) disrespect, alienate, or harbor a spirit of dislike, coldness, or arrogance to people I've just met or do not know. ...Yesterday I observed some display of distaste for me--even at 7-Eleven! I just walked into the store & asked the cashier to put $40 on Pump 2. ...Don't know why two young ladies felt moved to give me the eye--but have decided that I can't consume myself with "Why doesn't she like me?, Why she actin' funny? What did I do? Why didn't she speak to me? How did I offend her? Why did she seem unpleased with me?, Why was she giving me 'the side eye'?"

...Those are problems that they have. Not me. Period. (A big fat period.) I know who I am. More important, I know that God loves me, sees me. I like the idea of people liking me. I like the idea of people seeing me clearly, seeing my heart therefore understanding me. But the truth is not everyone is going to because they, too, have a Mental Complex-Mind Conscience and the way I walk, the way I talk may very well position them to reject me.

I'm just grateful for those that approve of me and didn't miss their blessing in getting to know me--by judging me by sight.

Much peace.

---   ---   ---

I'm sure some will read this blog post & their negative stance of me will be validated by such statements as "miss their blessing in getting to know me". ...I know that when I say that, I don't say that from a place of haughtiness. Again, those who know me, know better than that. And those who doubt my humility just weren't meant to see me, I suppose. #UnfortunateReality

What do you have that God hasn't given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift? (1 Corinthians 4:7; NLT)

Here I go. ...I still feel a need to validate myself. I'm still concerned with how I'm interpreted.*smh* I'm stopping now 'cause I have nor need to do so. I'm so tired of trying to make people, who don't even know me, understand me or like me. No one whom I don't know & therefore is insignificant to my life is worthy of all that effort. "I'm not better than other people. No. I'm just different." (K.S.B.) And people can either approve or reject that. I care not to beat myself up about their rejection of me. 

Shoot, my cube is well proportioned to the desert. *smile*

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Here today. Gone tomorrow.

In a time when it's common practice to "Unfollow", "Remove", "Ignore", "Delete", "Block" people as easily as it is to "Follow" or "Add" them, I'd like to encourage you to be grateful for those that love you, therefore keep you even when they know your worst & when you're at your worst (& definitely can't give them anything--other than your imperfect self).

...I've been told (actions speak, too) that I'm not worthy, that I'm not of value, that I'm not meaningful, that I'm not significant, that I'm not special... that I'm not loved, let alone liked. I am guilty of being convinced that I am "not"--I mean, I must not be since someone who could know me since conception can dispose of me, be as inconsiderate of my feelings, be as emotionally cold towards me as someone who has known me all of 2 months. Sad thing is, most of these people will never know how influential their actions (or lack thereof) were because hey, they're here today, gone tomorrow.

I want to thank God for a love that is forgiving, a love that is truly unconditional, for a love that seems to get better with time. A love that brings me to tears because it just keeps surprising me. Pleasantly! A love that is abundant, even when not appreciated (or truly comprehended). And for family & friends who know of such a love & therefore know how to love me in that likeness. My list of such people who give me such a love is not lengthy (and may never be), yet it's sufficient. I'm blessed to have them. And I am expectant of the list growing!

I pray that when we feel unloved, when it seems we're invisible that we remember such a love, for God loves us, sees us. He feels our every ache & yearning, He knows our desires, thoughts, strengths, weaknesses. There is no place more comforting, more safe; He's a [my] refuge. His love is better than fill in the blank.

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