"No man is worth my relationship with God."
That's what we say.
Shoot, that's what I say.
And yet sometimes I find myself jeopardizing the relationship that is ALREADY in need of repair.
I consider dating men who don't confess Christ to be their Lord and Savior...
when I know that once I get emotionally involved I will naturally try to justify our relationship.
Try to make something that's not meant...
meant
because it wasn't God sent nor approved.
Sometimes I get mad at myself when I think,
d*mn near plan the next time I can have sex.
Looking forward to it even.
All while reminding myself that his penis is not stronger than the power and blood of Christ.
Seriously.
I find myself asking myself, "Is this man more powerful than God?"
That's what I might as well be declaring anytime I give in to sex
...even when I'm telling myself "No"
the whole time I'm taking off my clothes.
I wish I could say it was simply about the sex
then it wouldn't be so deep.
I know that my yearning for sex is to feel loved
whether real or make believe.
I feel so empty sometimes.
I feel so guilty.
Not because I desire these things--
love that usually develops into a natural desire to become closer than close, and therefore have sex.
Because when you love someone so much, you naturally want to become one.
In all ways.
So... yeah. I feel guilty.
Not because I desire these things--love and to express that love in all ways, even sexually--
but because I desire to fulfill this desire out of God's order--I want it now as a single--because I'm so empty,
so impatient, so weak in faith that I decide to do it my way--
have sex with a man just to feel loved for a moment,
yes, even love that I know is make believe.
...Just to find myself depleted afterwards and that I was a fool
for doing it my way and not God's perfect way, no matter how unrealistic it may seem,
because even make believe love doesn't satisfy.
Satisfaction that only love-filled companionship meets.
Satisfaction that can't be met when the one who loves me in make believe
is only concerned with satisfying things that are only skin deep.
They don't care about me beyond the moment I'm untangled from their sheets.
God wants more for me
and yet I struggle with the yearnings of my own flesh
and in essence declare that it's hard to pass up a hard penis
and easy to disobey God's Word, God's guidance.
4 comments:
And I thought it was just me!
Thanks for being so candid about a topic that's rarely discussed by single Christians. I know many women who feel this way. Yet, we hardly talk about this to offer solutions to deal with the yearning that, though pure in intention, can lead to sin. Sometimes knowing you're not alone is therapeutic in and of itself. And perhaps, your honesty will help other women be more real with themselves and as a result, maybe they'll seek God to fill the void instead of seeking a man. Not saying its as easy as a prayer, but going to God with our weaknesses is a major part of this walk, right? Sometimes we just have to be reminded of that.
Jessica D. I smile because I am SO glad I shared this. At first I was thinking, "Mmmm. Maybe I should share this with my close friends in an email or something. I don't know if I want people to know that I struggle with this. That their sight of me--how strong (or weak) in faith I appear to them--may be denied or confirmed. ...But for the sole reason of which you mentioned in your comment I posted it on my blog and shared the link on FB and twitter for whomever to read because I know I'm not alone and I know that, although this "unfortunate truth" is shameful, my transparency could work in the favor of someone else.
I tell you, God makes sure that even our strays from the righteous path can be a blessing to us. Our heartaches, our shame, our pain can ALL benefit us (and others, if we share our testimony) in our journey to become more like Christ.
As I often say, "Even what causes hurt and pain is beneficial. Be glad for stepping stones that appear to be pitfalls, downfalls. They, too, build you up." ...God's love is THAT great!!!
"God can turn your mess into a message." (Joyce Meyer)
Been there done that, The great thing about it is, this too shall pass. It can be overcome with the Holy Spirit that cleanses us and delivers us from such a mindset that it is better. I used to be in your shoes, but now every time i think about having sex out of Gods order, i get sick to my stomach. I know its because the Lord wouldn't approve and it would hurt Him. So glad you are truthful about the matter though. I know many women that are in denial and think its supposed to be that way "Were human, what do you expect" and all that mess. God can and will and wants to deliver us from that thought process and once we let Him its an amazing freedom.
Thanks NaturalNita! I believe I will one day be delivered from this mindset. It has gotten better. Still weak in mind sometimes, but at the time of which I wrote this I was more weak. I'm getting stronger, wiser, and more faithful to God each day. He's working on me--slowly (it seems) but SURELY--, but I know better than to take His grace for granted.
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