Numb

I wanna be numb.
I don't wanna feel.
Tired of being sincere,
Loving hard and it being taken for granted.
But that's today.
Only today, for tomorrow I'm sure to love again without a need for reciprocation.

Feel For You

I don't pity you.
I don't feel sorry for you.
But I feel for you,
Hope for you,
Pray for you
Because it must be hell for you to touch and yet not feel.

Force Fields & Potholes

The one who holds your attention is often the one whom can't be held onto.

I seemingly have this force field that keeps men from getting too close or seeing me ...clearly.
No, no. Not because I activate this barrier but because apparently I'm resistible.

Has a man ever called me "resistible"? No, but they usually start the race of "Pursuit" and then before finishing the first leg, they run off the track without any explanation as to why.

That's the "Story of My Life," as it's said. But in all sincerity, I do believe this is just a part of my journey. One of which I may never get used to but one of which I'll understand is...part of my journey. Just like your route to work. You may know that a particular intersection or part of an interstate is bound to have traffic, or has that terrible pothole. You don't get used to it - it still annoys you - but it's just something to expect on your way.

One thing about a journey is the undeniable truth that there is a destination. And I believe that my destination are my dreams, my heart's desires. God knows what they are, and... He never has us go through anything without a reward for our perseverance and patience in faith. Now, will the reward ever be the honor of being a "Mrs."? Only God knows, but I have faith that vision will manifest and be a small part in the "Story of My Life".

Good Girl Refusing To Go Bad

One day a man will assess my cut, clarity, color, weight, and certify me GOOD.

And pleasing.

And worthy.

Faith in that keeps me from going 'bad'.

I refuse to tarnish because a man didn't know my value and treated me accordingly.

To tarnish allows him to steal my future and hope, for I can't lean on the hope that a good man will be able to see that I am good. But tarnished.

Even he may pass me by, if I go 'bad'.

This Is A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Year of Manifestation

This year I am requiring more of myself. Lord knows my effort to have the mind of Christ sometimes falls short, especially being in an environment that does not please me. One of which I believed would liberate me, but has instead made me feel trapped. Don't pity me. All of this is part of God's plan for me. ...This is my year! My prayers and heart's desires will manifest. I look around and my carnal mind thinks, "How?!" but I trust the God that has told me that "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). ...That promise has sustained me and I must not doubt its validity in MY life. No more will I ask God, "Why not me? When is it my turn?" It wasn't me then because it's my turn NOW. ...I don't know the details. I just have the vision. ...This is my year. If I am not diligent in keeping my focus and increasing my faith, I may very well abort the mission - God's mission for my life, His glory! This year is imperative for years to come. I know it!

...So, in continuation of requirements, I am requiring more of those who are in my life (or wish to be). If you are not benefiting me, you are hindering me. I will only entertain relationships that edify & fortify me, and glorify God. Period. Once upon a time, I would compromise in the name of love, but if it's not good, it's evil. That's where I stand today. ...Trust me, I'm not the "fire and brimstone" kind of believer. (I pray I haven't come off that way.) I'm just expressing the URGENCY, the IMPORTANCE, and the MAGNITUDE of this year. ...I will lose some, but I will gain much more. It's necessary. I will one day build a legacy. (Heavy, right?! I know. Blows my mind, too. Even sounds preposterous. But that I said I know will manifest without a doubt, if I don't lose focus and faith. [I DIGRESS: Now, men, you may understand why I require more of you. I need someone with a "legacy" mindset. Someone who, too, want to build a firm foundation in God and of things of this world for their great-grandchildren's great-grandchildren. I can't set them up for failure due to my own selfishness (i.e. he's cute, he drives a nice car, he's funny, got a great job, has a clean house, knows "conversate" is not a word... but can he pray for me? Empower me? Consider me? Can I trust that he won't lead me (and the vision) astray?! [Yes, I said, "lead".]) Marriage isn't simply about me. It's about them (my offspring-to-be), too. ...I used to feel cursed because I've been getting the "You look mad" or "You're intimidating" comments from males (most times by a third party) since high school, but now I am more than sure that it is a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I would rather come across warm and approachable. However, with the "Utopian" heart I have I can imagine, if I came off warm and approachable, I would probably have more heartache. So my demeanor is like a filter. ...I trust that "the one" (who is to co-produce this legacy with God and me) will have discernment to see me clearly (know that I'm not mad, cold, angry, mean and/or whatever else the common man may think of me) and approach me with a purpose - edify, fortify, glorify. So... I'll wait.)] I can't afford to be counterfeit. How does that bring glory to God? It doesn't. So I can't let no thing or one (even myself) get in the way of pleasing God (or in the way of His plans for me; blessings).

This is the year of NO COMPROMISE. ...Will I fall short? Yes! That's believer 101. But God will know my name and know that I run with definite aim - FORWARD.

(Originally written 08JAN13)

Please, Don't Disregard: A Letter to YOU (Past & Future)

REGARD, in the definitional sense of "to have or show respect or concern for", "to think highly of; esteem", and "to take into account; consider" is ALL I want from those who interrupt my life to ask me for entry into my life. That is ALL I ask for.

If you do not understand, here are some synonyms: care, concern, consideration (I LOVE that one), interest, value, respect.

I am a human being, with warm blood flowing through my veins, breath in my body, ...feelings. Please CONSIDER that.

Please consider that your actions (or lack thereof) may affect me.

Please CONSIDER that I may very well value you.

Please, if you must make an exit from my life, consider me enough to make sure you didn't hurt me on your way out.

(Originally written 23JAN13)

Keep on BeLIeVING

One day I will receive the gift of understanding.

In the meantime, I will trust God and trust that with time comes healing.

And keep on believing.

(Originally written 26JAN13)