My Name's Not "Complex"

I have this tendency of calling myself "complex". In reality, we are all complex. But what I have found is that I identify myself as such not in the sense of being a compound of emotions, dreams, thoughts, and behavior, but in the negative connotation of being "complicated", "hard to understand".

Yesterday while visiting a church the sermon spoke of Bartimaeus of the Book of Mark whose patronymic name meant Bar (Son of) + Timaeus (To be unclean). In essence, son of unclean (man). The pastor further spoke of the Mental Complex-Conscience Mind and how it houses our belief & value system & is the heart of the decision making process. Our decisions are either validated or rejected. What Bartimaeus was told, called became part of his belief system.

Last night my loving sister was moved to express to me that she doesn't like very much that I had called myself "complex" (quite a bit) when describing myself to some friends. I told her why I call myself "complex" & for the first time I vocalized & became aware of how my tendency to be disliked or treated coolly by people who barely know me, if at all, or my tendency to feel misunderstood has conditioned me to believe that I am "complex".

I don't want to claim that anymore. I don't want to designate myself with fault because people have obvious disdain for me--even when I know I haven't done anything (or, at least, have the heart to) disrespect, alienate, or harbor a spirit of dislike, coldness, or arrogance to people I've just met or do not know. ...Yesterday I observed some display of distaste for me--even at 7-Eleven! I just walked into the store & asked the cashier to put $40 on Pump 2. ...Don't know why two young ladies felt moved to give me the eye--but have decided that I can't consume myself with "Why doesn't she like me?, Why she actin' funny? What did I do? Why didn't she speak to me? How did I offend her? Why did she seem unpleased with me?, Why was she giving me 'the side eye'?"

...Those are problems that they have. Not me. Period. (A big fat period.) I know who I am. More important, I know that God loves me, sees me. I like the idea of people liking me. I like the idea of people seeing me clearly, seeing my heart therefore understanding me. But the truth is not everyone is going to because they, too, have a Mental Complex-Mind Conscience and the way I walk, the way I talk may very well position them to reject me.

I'm just grateful for those that approve of me and didn't miss their blessing in getting to know me--by judging me by sight.

Much peace.

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I'm sure some will read this blog post & their negative stance of me will be validated by such statements as "miss their blessing in getting to know me". ...I know that when I say that, I don't say that from a place of haughtiness. Again, those who know me, know better than that. And those who doubt my humility just weren't meant to see me, I suppose. #UnfortunateReality

What do you have that God hasn't given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift? (1 Corinthians 4:7; NLT)


Here I go. ...I still feel a need to validate myself. I'm still concerned with how I'm interpreted.*smh* I'm stopping now 'cause I have nor need to do so. I'm so tired of trying to make people, who don't even know me, understand me or like me. No one whom I don't know & therefore is insignificant to my life is worthy of all that effort. "I'm not better than other people. No. I'm just different." (K.S.B.) And people can either approve or reject that. I care not to beat myself up about their rejection of me. 


Shoot, my cube is well proportioned to the desert. *smile*