A Joy, A Peace Like Never Before...

Tonight I sit at my computer contemplating "What should I say?  What should I say that will give those who may visit this blog an understanding of who I am TODAY?"   ...Really, there's much that can't be said, you would have to witness it for yourself.  BUT I will say this, I have a joy, a peace like never before.  I am smiling from ear-to-ear for no real reason at all, other than the fact that I am happy and I have trust in God.  He's brought me from confusion to clarity, from pain to relief.  I could cry, but I'm too joyous to do it!  *SMILE*

I look at my journal before me and words like "broken-hearted", "rejection", "unworthiness", and "confusion" are found in the first entry of 2009.  Last year, 2009, although I was guilty of being stressed by finances (not knowing how to cover the basics--rent, tuition) and academics (just got tired, better known as Senioritis  *smile*), my biggest crime was self-doubt.  That was something that I RARELY fell victim to.  Of course, I've been insecure about somewhat superficial things, like my appearance or abilities, but I never doubted my essence, my worth, my innate beauty that can not be captured by a camera.  This reality led to shame for many months because I'm strong-spirited--there's not much that anyone (trust me, even my friends have tried; they meant well *smile*) can convince me to believe or consider if it doesn't sit well with my spirit.  Well, when that same spirit is broken, it leads one to thinking that is not in accordance with that spirit's essence.  I found this out in the Spring.

For the first time in my life, I felt numb.  Being convinced that I was invisible did that to me.  Believing that I wasn't someone to be proud of did that to me.  Just numb.  I smiled and no one noticed that I was hurting.  (Now I feel like crying. That's a horrible way to feel.)  I felt like I played by the rules and yet, I continued to come up short.  I was convinced I wasn't good enough.

The best advice I received in 2009, ironically so, were "Take it one day at a time" and "Move forward".

In taking it one day at a time, I was challenged to trust God.  To believe that all will be as planned.  That my confusion will one day lead to a day of clarity.  I also became aware of weakness.  How much easier it is to succumb to it than I'd ever realized before.  I always thought that overcoming life's matters were a matter of mind over matter.  I found with my own experience that even the strongest minds can fall victim to being weakened.  Insecurity, defined as lack of confidence or assurance, resulted in me compromising my personal beliefs, standards.  It's crazy!  And very sad.  It's a disease that in some shape or form affects us all.

I now know better.  Period.  Moving forward is so easy to do when you gain a sense of self.  I now know for a fact that I am worthy, that I have value.  I'm stronger, more confident, more connected to God and I pity the fool who tries to convince me that I'm not a beautiful creation of value or tries to break me down.  *smile*  They will have a feat before them because I'm not going anywhere but forward and upward.  All that has occurred in 2009 were blessings that has changed my life forever because they have impacted the outlook I now have for 2010.

I thank God for the lessons learned.  I thank God for His mercy.  I thank God that my heart has not been hardened, in fact, I would say it's more open because I learned a valuable lesson--that with love there are no regrets.  That's why I will continue to do things out of a spirit of love.  Of course, there will be some, maybe many, who won't appreciate it or will be skeptical of it, but I won't allow those reactions to make me numb and cold because I will be doing myself a disservice.  I deserve to love others and to be loved.  I'm purposed to contribute love to this world. (psst... So are you.  *smile*)

I thank God for my friends, my family, and those that contributed to my pain and confusion.  I STILL love them.  I wish they knew just how genuine I am when I say that.  Love has never failed me.  God's love for me has kept me here--still standing.  My innate love for myself (that we all deep down inside have for ourselves) has been the source of me not deteriorating within my pain and insecurity.  I kept fighting for myself, the REAL me.  Love is powerful, it's real and that love has allowed me to obtain a patience for those that I love like no one I can think of.  It's because of my acknowledgment that there were many times that God was patient with me, that I feel that there is NO reason why I cannot practice patience (and forgiveness) towards others.  Now whether they decide to stay in my life is up to them, a decision which I will respect and accept out of love for them. Experience has taught me, though, that those that decide to come back or stay appreciate the fact that I didn't give up on them.  ...I love me more than before!  I LIKE me.  *SMILE*

I want to encourage you to LOVE.  Love doesn't fail you, it's people that fail you.  So don't ever stop embracing and sharing love.  Also, patience is DEFINITELY a virtue.  With patience comes definite answers.  All you need is time and, during that time, to stay true to self and obedient to righteousness and before long a clarity of truth will be visible, shining bright before you.  The challenge is to accept the truth.  We mess up trying to convince ourselves that the truth is not the truth.  No, it's the truth!  Now, move forward.

God is so AWEsome!  Love is so AWEsome!  And because of it, I am fearless.  I'm no longer afraid of things I was once afraid of because TODAY I know that I can endure anything.  I was built to endure E-VER-Y-THING my life presents to me.  I know that I'm resilient.  I trust God enough to know that He would never leave me astray.  I know that I'm victorious before the battle begins--all I have to do is withstand it!  It's temporary, just one more thing to mold me into who I am purposed to be (if I allow it).

I feel so free, so light.  I have no expectations and yet, I trust that I will gain more than my heart's desires when I'm qualified to receive such blessings.  I know this sounds real fluffy, but it's so grounded.  It's so real.  I am literally in a place in my life where I believe that I can honestly face a disappointment and not ask God, "Why?  ...Why not?" because I trust that today's storms begets tomorrow's rainbows, that my suffering begets strength of character.  How can I complain when such a blessing is guaranteed to be bestowed upon me?

I don't know.  Like I said, it's something you'd have to witness.  It's difficult to explain.  I do know this:  I have a joy, a peace like never before!  ...I can't wait to see what trial I'll endure this year and how it will contribute to my growth.  I'm already excited for 2011!  *smile* 

"I've cried, I've sighed, and now I'm smiling because I can now say that I'm moving forward."

Happy 2010 ~  Happy Life,

          Miss Royal

[01.21.2010--I think I've just found the song  that reflects this blog's: Mary Mary's "Forgiven Me" (not posted here because it's not on their official website).]