This morning I was sitting in my room studying and downstairs my mother and her friend were talking. ...And I kept hearing this child say, "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy." And then repeatedly call my mother's name. Well, I must say this perturbed me. Not because the child was calling for them, but because she was calling for them while they were clearly talking. I thought, "This child doesn't have any manners." But then I thought about it and realized that a child at that age only do what they are allowed to. Which further made me think of why the adults hadn't corrected the child's behavior. ...This then made me think about the bigger picture: the state of the community. Yeah, I'm serious.
The situation was reminiscent of the bigger community. Truth of the matter is there was a child downstairs who was, in my opinion, acting unmannerly, two adults--one being the parent and the other being a friend of the parent--not addressing the matter, and a young woman, me, upstairs wanting so badly to address it, but opted out because she didn't want to be out of order or offensive. This happens EVERYDAY in the community.
In a perfect world, the child would know better because the parent would have taught the child better. In a better world, if the parent had not taught the child their manners, the parent's friend would have addressed the child herself. And in a good world, I would have gone downstairs, knelt down to the girl at eye level and said, "Hey Child's Name, your mom and Ms. My Mother's Name are talking. If you want their attention, say 'excuse me' sunshine. Ok?" And smiled. ...But none of this occurred. So what type of world is this?
What type of world is this that people turn a blind eye to things that are not right? What type of world is this that people who want to address a problem hesitate to do so because they don't want to get in 'someone else's business'? What type of world is this that when a person is addressed they take offense, they're on the defensive? In my opinion, this is a world that is soon to crumble. Seriously. Sometimes I think of the world I, God-willing, will bring children into. I mean, what state will this world be in--when basic manners, basic expressions of respect for another like "Please", "Thank you", and "Excuse me" are no longer being taught or being required? What will the state of the world be in when those of the community decide to shut their eyes at everything that is out of order? Clearly, if you close your eyes, it doesn't mean the boogey man is no longer standing in front of you. And as a people, have we become so sensitive that we can't accept constructive criticism without being on the defensive? When did it become odd for the wise to correct the wrongdoing?
Trust me, I know I've heard or have even thought myself "Old people always in somebody's business!" But Lord knows, I wish there was somebody in someone's "business". (I place 'business' in quotation marks because, we are each other's business. There's nothing that happens on the other side of the fence that doesn't in some way affect my yard. Maybe not directly and maybe not today, but it will and it DOES.) If someone's getting in your business out of the spirit of love, I see nothing wrong with that. And I stand by that. But because people don't like to be held accountable--the REAL root of the matter--no one wants anyone to interject, even if that interjection is most needed for the well-being of our community.
I don't know how many times I've seen a child look like they could use a hug or a man look like he could use a smile while I was out on the town (or any form of injustice or pain) and instead of providing those things, as that small voice inside of me told me to, I kept it moving because my desire to oblige that voice within was overpowered by the fear of being looked at as weird or my actions being misunderstood. It is indeed difficult to balance the need to be your brother's keeper and to let your brother be, but we can't get to a point where our village is becoming more like a vast land of separate tents. Does that make sense? I hope so.
- My hope is that those with wisdom guide those that may not be wise.
- My hope is that those who are aware of destructive behavior--no matter how small or big--of the community, address it.
- My hope is that those addressed discern (which, honestly, requires maturity) whether the words of guidance spoken are said out of malice or love, falsehood or truth before becoming defensive or offended. (We have to be big enough to look ourselves in the mirror, ladies and gentleman. If we can't address issues within ourselves, how can we address any issue?)
- My hope is that we can find somewhere, somehow the benefit of having a village, even among this big ol' world. We can't get so advanced that we no longer recognize the sanctity of community.
It indeed takes a village to raise a child and for us all to survive. I'm not talking about mere physical survival, but the survival of the orientation of our family called the human race. Right now, in my humble opinion, we are quite incompetent and mediocre where it really matters, i.e. respect for others, the values that we pass on from generation to generation, our general mindset. Right now the lesson being taught is "be quiet, don't rebel even when it's absolutely necessary" (and it's necessary whenever it affects our well-being negatively, killing us, disabling us).
In fact, stories, such as Chicago's Derrion Albert, are a result of such destruction of a village. When the tragedy occurred I heard a lot of people place blame on a lot of people. But truth is no one every claimed accountability for their contribution to such a tragedy, whether directly or indirectly (remember that fence I mentioned above?) Many didn't and still haven't come forward out of fear--fear of the community bullies, but also the fear of being deemed a "snitch". It's a culture that is destroying our villages. Secondly, many people fail to have respect for others, so to take someone else's life is done effortlessly. And thirdly, I'm very sure that the culture (according to dictionary.com, "the quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent") of that Chicago community has been that way for generations. The acceptance of and excuses people made for the actions of those that took Albert's life was heartbreaking to hear. (http://amfix.blogs.cnn.com/category/walk-in-my-shoes/: The last video in particular affected me the most. I couldn't even be upset with the young man because he's stating the facts of his reality, that "People die daily.") But again, because people who are aware of the boogey man choose to close their eyes instead of face it, the cycle continues. And because those that have been educated by the ones who choose not to face the boogey man identifies the boogey man as a norm that should not be addressed and, furthermore, finds it offensive to address it, the boogey man keeps lurking at our expense.
We have to decide at what cost we are willing to have our village, or what's left of it, destroyed. Is the cost of being considered "nosey", "a snitch", or "weird" too high to address the issues of our community and the possible continuation of those issues once we're dead and gone from this world? I say, "No."
We can't mind our business at the expense of allowing someone to be led astray, by not guiding each other at all in fear of offending. Truth is we all need to be offended from time to time in order to get out of our comfort zone. We must stop embracing this culture of not being accountable, for not only ourselves but each other, for we should be our brother's keeper.
And, yes, it does take a village.
2 comments:
"Is the cost of being considered "nosey", "a snitch", or "weird" too high to address the issues of our community and the possible continuation of those issues once we're dead and gone from this world?"
Lovely point, girl! It's all sad but very true. I can't think of how many times I heard my people use the word "Snitch" in regards to helping the police solve a crime in their community. Or give you a "oh-no-you-didn't" look when you try to correct them on something relevant. Accountability - to ourselves, our loved ones and our community - is truely becoming extinct. People don’t want to change their behaviors or be held to a higher standard because they don’t want to admit a flaw. And if someone dares to correct them – out of love- they’ll deem that person judgmental.
Regarding the misbehavings of the child, I’ve been in that predicament wayyy too many times to count.
For example: One woman at church refused to discipline her 2-year-old daughter, to the point where the kid was bothering other people in the sancturary with all her running around and screaming. When I tried to approach the moms kindly about it, she told me that a.) I have no kids, so I should shut up and b.) It’s her child, so she can raise her as she see’s fit. (Deflection is a commonly-used defense mechanism when it comes to being held accountable for your actions).
I then kindly reminded her that a.) she's a parent, not a genius. She holds no secret understanding to common sense that the rest of the childless population lacks,and that b.) I don’t have to be a parent to know her child was making me -and all of the women in church - want to get their tubes tied, burned and permanently removed out of fear of reproducing a toddler like hers and that c.)her child will eventually grow up and become a member of society and a representation of our race. Therefore, her slackness will affect me and everyone around that child eventually. We're all held accountable for each other, and we can't progress as as people until we figure that out. And if nothing else, her child was disturbing my Jesus time, and that was just too much!
She then a.) copped an attitude and b.) made more of an effort to reign in her child’s crazy behavior in the place of worship. I think it needed to sink it but by next Sunday, she changed her tune.
Was I rude? Yea, probably. I wouldn't suggest that approach. But the point was, something needed to be said. Now, everyone doesn’t have the kindest or wisest of intentions. Which is why people are less likely to take advice from others regarding their personal affairs.
But I do think people should consider the message and not the always messenger. Forget who’s calling you out and look at the message they’re trying to give you. It may make sense. And it may require you to check your own behavior. There’s nothing wrong with that. Taking constructive criticism will only improve you, not make you weaker or less competent to run your own life.
Ma'am, you know I love you, right? *smile* You're so wise. I couldn't help but say "You're so right!" from beginning to end. The comment "And if someone dares to correct them – out of love- they’ll deem that person judgmental," and your last paragraph are especially true. My point exactly.
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