[Disclaimer: Those who are sensitive, bitter, scorned, and the list goes on, may find this entry uncomfortable.]
Some things women do make men turn to dogs and no longer gentlemen. Being the good guy gets you nowhere.
This whole "good girl/guy gone bad" syndrome is SO counterproductive. It hurts the "good girl/guy gone bad" more than anyone. It's a vicious cycle. People need to stop allowing bad experiences make them into bad people who go through life hurting other people and may very well turn their hearts to cold stone and turn them into bad people. I'd be darn if I allow past hurts make me into a "bad girl". That only exacerbates my problem of finding love. Yes, I have insecurities and hang-ups because of past hurts, but I make a conscious effort to not bring that into a next possible relationship. [I'm honest with myself and address the hurt.] I try to start fresh, If you don't, you're likely to make a good relationship go bad.
I believe if a person understands you that they will stick around because they see the potential in you and the relationship, BUT I wouldn't [push] my luck. Everybody doesn't have tolerance to deal with serving a sentence for something they didn't do. And rightfully so. (Usher and Musiq have songs about that.) As someone who's served a sentence, I know that sometimes you get so drained from trying to convince someone that you love them that eventually you have no more to give. I'm very patient when it comes to matters of the heart [some say it's a fault], but I'm no heart surgeon. Don't let the past get in the way of your future.
Being the good guy seems counterproductive. Why bother doing the right thing? Why worry about someone's feelings being hurt, if in the end mine are going to be hurt?
1. Being the good guy is NEVER counterproductive. It's just harder for good girls/guys because we usually desire things of substance. Many people aren't trying to give that because they just want to have fun. To require substance and therefore be of substance requires much responsibility [and accountability] that many people don't want to deal with because they lack maturity. They just want to have fun. They aren't trying to get "serious". People are concerned with immediate rewards, not necessarily the long-lasting rewards of relationships. BUT just like there are good guys out there, there are good girls out there. And as a [proudly and confidently proclaimed] good girl, I'm going to let you know that we need you, good guys! In fact, bad girls need you, too. Just like I'm sure a bad guy could benefit from having a good girl in their life to show them something new.
2. "Why even bother doing the right thing when in the end you get the same thing as a person (i.e 'bad guy') who didn't? Because it's about HOW you get it not what you get. Period. How you get something, how you get somewhere is a testament of the man you are. It's about self-pride, integrity. When did that become unimportant?
3. Why worry about someone's feelings being hurt, if in the end mine are going to be hurt? Because it's not about being selfish. "Oh, I'm gonna get you before you get me." I think it's sad that people just have this attitude to disregard people because of their own fears. What happened to caring about another person?
See, I think many people "love" conditionally. "Oh, I'll love you as long as you love me." Then is that love? "Oh, I won't hurt you as long as you don't hurt me?" Is that love [or even like]? ...I've loved before and those persons have hurt me, but if you asked me if I loved them still, I would say, "yes". If you asked me do I regret it or would I take [the] love [I shared with them] back if I could, I would say, "no". Because when I was "so in love" with them I thought they were worthy, why would I deem them unworthy because things didn't work out? [I believe all of us are worthy of love. I also believe we sometimes have people fulfill roles that weren't intended for them, so such relationships didn't work out because they weren't ever meant (in that capacity).] Why would I want to hurt them because they hurt me? But didn't I supposedly love them? That makes no sense. Love is not conditional. [Love has one identity, but is often subject to mistaken identity.] That's my point. We continue to be the good girl/guy because we love ourselves too much to allow someone else who abused our love or failed to find themselves worthy of our love to make us bitter people who are unable to love again. We do the right thing because, simply put, it's the right thing. There's NEVER an excuse to not do the right thing. Ever. We worry about someone else's feelings because we have feelings and we wouldn't want anyone to inflict that pain on us OR we've had such pain inflicted on us and we know how damaging it can be and we, good girls/guys who do the right thing, care about others. I think people try to make excuses for why they should stop being the good girl/guy so that they can justify their indulgence in the immediate pleasures of non-substance that the "bad girls/guys" [tend to] partake in. That's what I think. But yeah, becoming a bad guy IS counterproductive because you're only stagnating your own potential of obtaining the one thing you say you want, which is to be respected, considered, appreciated, to obtain a healthy relationship, and in the meantime continuing the cycle of good girl/guy turn to bad girl/guy.
Most women these days only go for bad guys, that's why I want to go bad. The good guy's actions gets overlooked, passed over, and/or taken for granted. So I might as well go bad. I love for unconditional reasons, but my good guy ways doesn't get me game time. Because of her understanding and experiences with men she doesn't believe good guys exist, so I have to be a jerk for her to even take me seriously.
I've heard this scenario often. The good guy tries to show the bad girl (i.e. the girl that has been hurt) that he can be the guy she's always wanted, but her fear [of getting hurt] gets in the way. I'll tell you to 1. be aware and understanding of her position, 2. be patient (You should be. You understand [that she's skeptical that good guys exist], right?), BUT don't allow her to abuse your kindness for her selfish gain. See, unfortunately (as I touched on a bit above) sometimes people want what they want but they don't want to give of themselves (because of fear of being hurt). They want to date you, they want your company, they even want the intimacy of a relationship sometimes, BUT they don't want to give of themselves, they don't want to commit to you, they don't want to get too "serious" ...and they usually can [get away with it] because, what? You're being patient and understanding. If this is the case, I'll say again, don't allow her to abuse you or your desire to have more with her. Because, sadly enough, some people want to receive what they want without reciprocating the same. Yes, she was hurt, but if she's not ready to do what's necessary to cultivate a healthy relationship, she needs to stop engaging in this non-substantial relationship.
Now, if you haven't even gotten to the point of dating this person and she is being guarded, then I say to you "fall back". Just because you see her to be the girl for you doesn't mean you can force that upon her. This may not be the time of which this relationship is to form. Give her time to address her current "understanding" and past "experiences". In the meantime, be the man she needs NOW, not the man you want to be for her now. If you care about her, you can't be selfish and inconsiderate when dealing with her. You can love her, but love her in the capacity that the circumstances allow. And if you care about her, you will accept that and eventually be ok with that. [It may not be easy, but sometimes doing what is necessary is not easy.] Right now maybe you can only love her in the capacity of friendship. That's not a bad thing. You never know, in the season of friendship you may help her in believing "good guys exist". (And that still may not guarantee that she'll choose you to be the man for her. BUT if you truly care for her, you'll be pleased to know that at least she BELIEVES. [And with time you may find that she's not the woman for you.]) But she is not likely to ever know, if you become just another guy who turns her back on her or abuses her (by not treating her as a good guy should) and therefore prove to her that her "understanding/experiences" are justly deemed as truth. But again, don't subject yourself to abuse in the name of patience and understanding.
And lastly, you may want to reconsider investing into a girl who would rather you be a jerk to her than a man to her. Thats sounds like insecurity, like someone who considers a drama-filled relationship to be ideal [or wants you to give her an excuse as to why she shouldn't get close so that she can continue to be a coward. (I know "coward" is a strong word, but by definition it's correct.)]. That, like all I've addressed, is deep and may be deeply rooted. I'd like to say, if you care about her, don't fall into that trap because you'll be doing her more harm than good and you may find yourself to be a man you never thought you'd become--a bad guy just like the one that made her the scarred, fractured, [and most unfortunate, fearful] woman she is today. Be a good guy. You'll be rewarded in the end. It may not be today, it may be 3 or 7 years from now. So don't allow your past or present to cheat you of what you can obtain, contribute, and become in the future.
"Every relationship is an opportunity to grow spiritually. Take the blame off "them" and take responsibility." (Unknown)
Love; ain't nothing like it. So be grateful that the beauty of an intimate love between a man and a woman is that it's a conscious CHOICE that can not be forced upon someone. It's a mutual effort. So respect people's freedom to choose. Would you want someone to love you because you wanted them to or because they want to?
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Readers I know Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was your 'wall', but I challenge you to tear the wall down, if you want to love and be loved (without unnecessary burdens), of course. It shouldn't hurt to love you. When someone loves you and with every action there is an obstacle to face eventually your loved one, out of love for self, may find it best to let you go. Simply being in the presence of someone you have great interest and fondness for can be intoxicating to all of your senses, stimulating all your dimensions. Can you imagine being allowed to only get so close to that someone because there's this barrier, this clear, thick wall keeping you at a distance? Eventually you'll start to feel like you're declared the enemy, instead of the lover. Torturous, right? When you love someone, close is where you want to be, Not forced to stay afar. The act of love should be liberating, feel like freedom not like hell, something you should be punished for. So I ask you to don't sit back and watch your loved one try tirelessly to tear down that wall from the outside (in order to prove their love for you). Assist in saving yourself from your self-made cage (and your partner from the cage your wall have built around them) by overcoming your fear and hurt and tearing down the wall from the inside. Love is teamwork--if you want to build a solid foundation, you have to help lay down the concrete.
Enough of my philosophies, for everyone has to find the answers for themselves, so I pose this question to serve as a starting point:
"Why should you and your [mate] continue to pay a penalty for a violation y'all didn't even commit? And allow [your] abuser (the one who misused and treated you unjustly for lack of knowing your purpose) to continue to abuse [you] by staying in that wounded place?"
Remember to love yourself enough to not guard yourself from the one thing that can/will have a healing effect on your pain--love, for it's so powerful and REAL. The true remedy.--, that love takes sacrifice, but not sacrifice of one's self love--so don't expect your loved one to do it--and the best test of love is patience... in my opinion--, for there is no coincidence that patience is the first characteristic made in 1 Corinthians 13:4 ("Love suffereth long" [KJV]) or that it is considered such a virtue. Patience, it's so necessary.
Also remember that all of us are singing a similar tune.
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The posing question was paraphrased from a sermon "Effective Love Part 6" presented by Pastor Keith Battle of Zion Church in Largo, Maryland. I wouldn't say the sermon is related to this blog entry, but when I heard him ask the question I couldn't help but say, "My thoughts EXACTLY!" (regarding emotional hang-ups). I would encourage you to watch the series "Effective Love", which is based on The 5 Love Languages, from the beginning. You may find something out about yourself. Maybe your past or present relationship is tumultuous for lack of knowing your and your partner's love language. ...Or maybe not. Use your discernment; base your conclusions on what you know (fact) not what you think (feelings).
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