Untitled (Expectations, Disappointments & ...Self-Accountability)

Have you ever grown interested in someone and find yourself disappointed because things aren't going as you expected?  Well, I know I have.

Relationships are so complex.  Which is why I understand why people tend to keep their guard up--because to not have it up leaves them susceptible to becoming too comfortable with people who may not be here tomorrow.  Unfortunately, by nature we are very penetrable.  It is easy for us to receive information at face value (especially when there are tender eyes and a lovely smile attached to it)--"Ok, if s/he does that it means this"--in a 1 + 2 = 3 formula.  But what many of us find is that such trust in others' actions may lead to disappointment because we find that things aren't always as they seem.  ...Or, more likely, we find that our expectations aren't met.

And I guess that's what it boils down to--expectations.  It is so easy to expect certain things when we naturally expect 1 + 2 to equal 3... as nature has proven.  Too bad relationships, a thing of nature, are more complex than any mathematical problem you can think of.  There is no formula.  Just hope and discernment.  We all are microcosms of complexity and no two people are the same and therefore no two circumstances are the same.  And although there is plenty of wisdom to be found regarding relationships, there is no guarantee that when applied you will get the same result (answer) as the person from whom you received the advice (formula) as they did when they applied it to someone completely different than who you wish to apply the wisdom.  *whew*  And, for argument's sake, if you do apply the wisdom to the same person as the wise advisor, there is no guarantee that the person whom the wisdom is being applied to will react to it the same way when you do apply it.  You get my drift?  Relationships are complex!  But, it is possible to eliminate some complexities.

Now, let's talk about us and what we can control--ourselves.  I have found from the few times I liked-liked a guy that I sometimes--ok, ... most times--expect things I have no business expecting.  Period.  I know I'm not the only one guilty of this because I have had enough friends and associates--male and female--express the same thing.  They just didn't know it.  *lol*  So I encourage us to be self-accountable.  I find people tend to make themselves victims by placing blame on the other for hurting them--not meeting their expectations.  Truth is we should be accountable for our own disappointments because the other has less control (especially at the "I like him/her" stage of the relationship) of what information (actions or lack thereof) we process or, most important, how we compute it in our self-made equations.  "He's been asking about my day for 28 days, he should have asked me on a date by now."  "She's been laughing at my jokes every time our friends get together, why isn't she accepting my advances?"  We tend to dismiss them with ill thoughts when they don't do things we expect them to do in the time frame we expect them to take place.  And it really is unfair.  (And yes, yes, yes, of course s/he is a 'jerk' for misleading you and of course you can be emotionally affected by your disappointments, but) I would encourage you to put your emotions on the shelf and access the circumstance fairly.  Did they mislead you or did you mislead yourself?  I have decided that, if someone did not vow to be whatever I expected them to be, I have no right to be mad at them for not meeting the expectation.  (Of course it hurts because when you like someone--most of us like them for good reason; they're interesting, they have good energy, they're the type of person you'd like to know--you would like them to have a lasting role in your life.  ...And if you're like me, a romantic, which means that my imagination tends to guide me to thoughts of  future tense, it can feel like a dream has been put to death... again, but the reality is they aren't responsible for my dreams and) They owe me nothing.  Period.  I chose to interact with them.  I accepted their doings and sayings, applied the mathematical formula I believed to be fitting for their actions, and came to the conclusion/theory/answer that resulted in me forming an expectation.

Sometimes, ladies and gentlemen, people are no more than what they are presenting to you--a guy that asks about your day, a girl that finds your jokes funny.  And that's it.  Not the guy that asks about your day and will one day become your future kids' father.  Not the girl that finds your jokes funny and will one day sit on the porch swing with you in old age.  It's possible, but that's not the case today.  So be careful looking so far ahead that your disappointment that things aren't going as expected destroys your chance of having what you didn't expect--a new friend or a new supporter of your dreams.  (Yeah, I know, that's not what you want.  I get it.  But you also don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you romantically either.  You're not a charity case.)  See, sometimes people are only guaranteeing you the here and now (today).  And the future (tomorrow... yeah, literally tomorrow) is still up for consideration.

And sometimes we don't give him or her a chance!  We get so impatient--forgetting that relationships are best slow cooked, not nuked in a microwave--and our expectations get the best of us.  Life, like us, is complex and sometimes life, which consists of time and priorities doesn't allow us to do what we want to do (or at least not the way we prefer to do it).  It's likely that s/he has considered you for the future--they are interested in you and they find you funny--but you are not a priority worthy of their time... right now.  I think the BEST thing an old friend told me once was "Tell me what you know, not what you think" because there have been times that I could have destroyed what is if I had acted upon the conclusions of what I thought was.  We often form conclusions based upon what we feel (think) and not facts (know).  With new relationships, especially, we have to remove our emotions and make conclusions of people's character (and/or actions) based upon facts.  We feel like we're being ignored or we've been forgotten, but the fact is that we haven't heard from him or her in a while. The fact is we don't know why we haven't heard from them in a while.  Maybe they are swamped with work and/or school, maybe they are on vacation, maybe they lost their phone, maybe they are on a mental/spiritual hiatus, maybe they are a clown in the circus, maybe they don't like you.  The point is you don't know, so until that maybe turns into a definite yes or no, don't conclude the worst.  Time will tell.  Trust me.  But if you count them out before time gives you the final answer, you'll never know what could've, should've, or would've been.  Only time will let you know whether you are 'smelling the coffee' or 'jumping to conclusions'.

I remember when I graduated from my alma mater, it just seemed as if none of my best friends... were my friends.  They weren't answering phones call, returning phone calls or any form of communication and I started to feel discarded.  I started to have a pity party and think "Wow.  I thought they were my friends.  I guess not."  But then my ability to think about more than one thing at once kicked in and I was also thinking "Ok, be rational.  Everyone is embarking on a new chapter in their lives.  They might just be busy.  All I know is that they aren't communicating with me, but I don't know why.  I need to check my ego; the world does not revolve around me and I can't possibly expect my friends, who are starting new careers and/or grad school all while juggling boyfriends/husbands (and surely other things), to make me a top priority right now."  ...Let's just say that I found with time that my rational self was right and my emotional self was ALL wrong.  If I had acted on my former thoughts, I could have burnt bridges.  Now, if you're saying to yourself "Well, I don't know what to think.  I can't tell if s/he is playin' with my emotions or not", I say, "Ask him/her."   The truth of the matter is this, if someone REALLY doesn't want to be bothered with you, they won't be bothered, they won't take time to answer your question.  Remember, people do what they want to do.  And eventually they will.  Now, please don't assume they don't want to be bothered, if they don't answer you when you expect them to.  I'll also say, "In the meantime of waiting for the answer live your life."  Don't wait by the phone.  Don't check your email... and your Facebook Inbox ...and his or her Wall every 15 minutes to see if their Recent Activity gives you signs of life.  Because with time you will find the truth and there's no sane reason to make yourself miserable, when indeed you may have been smelling the coffee and just needed time to confirm it OR you had been jumping to conclusions and needed time to confirm that you were giving yourself heartache for 'nothing'.

Being patient when seeking answers is best.  I mean, time doesn't lie.  That's for sure.  It frees your mind from asking yourself a bunch of questions that cannnot be answered unless time passes and you look around and realize s/he never got back to you or you have heard from them.  And, if the latter occurs, it would be much easier to lightheartedly inform them that you thought you would never hear from them again than it is to shamefully explain that you didn't know it was s/he calling because you deleted their phone number from your cellular, that you would like them to accept your Friend Request because you removed them from your Friends List, and that you hope they forgive you for all the poor things you said about them when you dragged their precious name in the mud to anyone who was willing (or held hostage) to listen to your woes.

Sometimes we expect people to act in a capacity that they aren't meant to fulfill, that they don't want to fulfill and it's arrogant of us to take the stance that ultimately states s/he should act in the capacity that we want them to--our lover, our best friend, whatever we desire and expect of them.  "How dare they?", we ask.  But the question is "How dare we conclude that someone in whom we have grown interested should have the same interest in us?  And if they don't, deem something to be wrong with them (or ourselves) because they rejected us?"  Reality is it's simply a case of two people wanting two different things and therefore what you desire is not what's best for you anyways.  Listen, I don't care how great, beautiful, lovely he or she is, if they don't want to be more than friends (or strangers for that matter) that is their prerogative. And it's not fair to question their choice or their character.  If you disagree, I'll tell you what I have had to tell myself, "Get over yourself, learn the lesson (there is one... and it most likely has everything to do with you), and move on."  Rise above despair.  People are not evil people, generally, who interact with others for the sole purpose of abusing them--giving them false impressions, hurting their feelings, and contributing to their mental and emotional distress.  I think sometimes we meet a person, build a relationship of some sort with them, and in the meantime obtain in-/direct messages from them and come to develop a mental list of what and what not this person is capable of doing.  And when they do the unexpected, which tends to disappoints us, we deem the person a 'jerk' (or worse).  When in reality, they are all that they've always been--usually good--we just don't see it to be so because we have limited their goodness to our expectations.

Another good read, A Week Later, that is somewhat related.  If I was a poetic storyteller, I would have said it like this--engaging, funny, short & sweet.